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You don’t have to celebrate Christmas to appreciate what tweeters have been saying about it, but it might help – a little.
We present our favourites – in no particular order.
1.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
— Woodrow Peel (@WoodyLuvsCoffee) December 11, 2021
2.
He just wanted the neighbors to stop dumping garbage on mountain habitat so they body-shamed him?????????????? SMH. The Grinch is a conservation baddie, put some respect on his name WHOVILLE.
— Oklahoma Department of Wildlife Conservation (@OKWildlifeDept) December 13, 2022
3.
— more_meat_loaf (@more_meat_loaf) December 13, 2022
4.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
— Stacy's Dark Queery Tales (@DarkLiterata) December 13, 2022
5.
aw what a lovely Xmas card I just got from the council, how nice pic.twitter.com/XmwBtwmVv4
— my sexuality is dan levy's eyebrows (@SaimaFerdows) December 14, 2022
6.
Christmas is getting closer. It can smell your fear. Don’t make any sudden moves. Throw it off the scent with alcohol.
— paul bassett davies (@thewritertype) December 13, 2022
7.
“What are you doing for Christmas?”
Fetch me an armchair and a thousand individually wrapped chocolates and I’ll be happy to show you.
— VeryBritishProblems (@SoVeryBritish) December 15, 2022
8.
Tried to use the Shutterfly mobile app to design my Christmas cards. Selected the wrong photo from my camera roll so now I have 90 of these. pic.twitter.com/QrxUQUillP
— Dan White (@atdanwhite) December 14, 2022
9.
When Santa Claus is “making a list, he’s checking it twice”, it sounds very corporate, like “there was an unfortunate incident in 1873 resulting from a poorly-checked list. Santa has apologised to the families involved and has taken steps to ensure this does not happen again.”
— Dan Rebellato (@DanRebellato) November 23, 2022
10.
Guys. It has happened. The 23rd of November. I went to pour a glass of Fanta from a bottle that I found in the kitchen only to be met with the screams of my mother. It’s the Christmas Fanta. Their time has come. They have started early this year. Best of luck out there.
— Lauren (@lollyfitz13) November 23, 2022
11.
my Christmas tree is up pic.twitter.com/hTn8ElVpJa
— IG: closedapp (@ih8rts) November 30, 2022
12.
To avoid being pressured to drink at Xmas parties, my mate and I discussed how we pretend our drinks are alcoholic. She pours just tonic in a gin glass with ice and lime, I sit in the corner, sobbing, maniacally texting my ex then wet myself when I stand up.
— Shaparak Khorsandi
(@ShappiKhorsandi) December 6, 2022
13.
We hide the kids Christmas presents in boxes marked "VEGETABLES" because we know they'll never look in there.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) December 1, 2022
14.
My wife has given me the greatest of all advent calendars. pic.twitter.com/4VX1jfe8DU
— Greg Olear
(@gregolear) December 1, 2022
15.
I’m asking for brake pads and rotors for my truck. Grownup Christmas lists are pretty sad.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) December 1, 2022
16.
Wham Gogh:
Last Christmas, I gave you my ear
But you gave it away the very next year— Bathtub Jin
Christmas Edition (@EdgarPoop1) December 1, 2022
17.
Aah December, the time of year when dads are officially allowed to change you'll to 'yule' when texting their children lol *slaps knee* we are hilarious
— FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF (@sofarrsogud) December 1, 2022
18.
Give her what she really wants this holiday season. Death to the patriarchy, an ancient tome of curses from the forest witch, the hearts of her enemies, and deep pockets in every dress and pair of pants.
— The Volatile Mermaid (@OhNoSheTwitnt) November 2, 2022
19.
Tree is up…. pic.twitter.com/aOgGYPsPRe
— Angela Hough (@angeladunn6) December 3, 2022
20.
Looks like yet ANOTHER year that Olly Murs has wasted the opportunity of releasing a Christmas album called Gold, Frankincense and Murs.
— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) November 15, 2022
21.
‘Last Christmas’ – Whamageddon
‘Mary’s Boy Child’ – Apocalypso
‘Simply Having A Wonderful Christmas Time’ – APaulcalypse
‘It’s Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas’ – Perrymenoclause
— Flups (@TheRealFlups) December 5, 2022
22.
We’ve got a real tree this year.
Asking the kids to imagine one always felt a bit cruel.
— Neil (@_Enanem_) December 5, 2022
23.
I never get an advent calendar; I always make a real-life version at home by just opening a different cupboard every day. Today's treat: Cillit Bang!
— Craig Deeley
24.
On this day 2022 years ago:
Mary: "Please Joseph"
Joseph: "No"
Mary: "My arse is on fire. Please just get me haemorrhoid cream"
Joseph: "HE'S NOT MINE"— Sanjeev Kohli (@govindajeggy) December 5, 2022
25.
Did you know you can tell the age of a fake Christmas tree by counting the rings of tape on the box? pic.twitter.com/cFZmWVfMXL
— Felicity Hannah (@FelicityHannah) December 3, 2022
26.
me: you don’t like any of my gifts
her: no! the five golden rings were nice. it’s just-
me: too many birds?
her: really bird heavy this year
— soul nate (@MNateShyamalan) December 4, 2022
27.
Tinsel
n.
a celibate Yorkshireman who blames women for his failings in life— Pundamentalism (@Pundamentalism) December 4, 2022
28.
Apparently energy bills are now so high that parents are asking their kids to behave badly on purpose in the hope that Father Christmas brings them coal this year
— James Marsters (@earlofbeverley) December 6, 2022
29.
I’ve got a Premier Inn advent calendar – I can’t open any of the windows.
— Olaf Falafel (@OFalafel) December 5, 2022
30.
[reads entire copy of a christmas carol] where the fuck is rizzo
— James Felton (@JimMFelton) December 7, 2022
31.
These 3-bird roasts are very reasonably priced, considering how rare it is to find a turkey that's eaten a pheasant that's eaten a chicken.
— Craig Deeley
32.
It's the time of year we must all take a quiet moment to remember the "Leave it, Tony, he's not worth it" Christmas card. pic.twitter.com/y7dyniGBzJ
— Patrick Dalton (@shitlondon) December 9, 2022
33.
Time of year when we all start arguing about whether Rosemary's Baby is a Christmas film.
— Sam Whyte (@SamWhyte) December 11, 2022
34.
Smegnog anyone? pic.twitter.com/CuxfV0zqcA
— Festive Flups (@TheRealFlups) December 11, 2022
35.
New euphemism just dropped for office party season. pic.twitter.com/cwVIpR7JD5
— David KC (@DavidMuttering) December 11, 2022
36.
The three wise men were due to arrive on Christmas Day but they had to travel on a British train
— Ross McCafferty (@RossMcCaff) December 21, 2022
37.
Not my Polish boyfriend pointing to Tiny Tim in Muppet's Christmas Carol and asking "What's the name of the tuberculosis frog?"
— Rachel England (@Rachel_England) December 4, 2022
38.
It's lovely being able to put my feet up for Christmas now, knowing that there is nothing that requires my attention. #ambulancestrike#NHSStrikes
— Parody Rishi Sunak (@Parody_PM) December 21, 2022
BONUS – You can argue amongst yourselves about whether this is a Christmas tweet.
I knew it would never work when she asked me "what's a Hans Gruber?"
—
isterD (@MisterD78UK) December 13, 2022
READ MORE
Simply 33 Christmas jokes to get you right into the festive spirit
Image blende12 on Pixabay
The post Our 38 Favourite Funny Festive Tweets of 2022 appeared first on The Poke.
Source: ThePoke
