The Man I’m Dating Is Grieving But Not Ready To Be Official, Should I Keep Seeing Him?

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The beginning stages of a relationship are absolute bliss. It’s arguably the best time in a relationship as everything seems picture-perfect. It’s the honeymoon stage so you’re giddy every time you’re around them. You make sure to dress to the nines when you see them and life feels like a movie.

But, when the person you hope to be with suddenly experiences something traumatic that can all come crashing down. You want to be there for this person but equally want some clarification as to where your relationship could be heading before you invest lots of time.

This is the case for this week’s reader Sheena. “After being divorced for a few years, I started dating someone a year ago (he’s also divorced and we both have children) who had a traumatic loss of a parent a few months into our dating,” Sheena shares.

Of course, grieving is difficult so he’s been busy and stressed but Sheena says he’s not really been coping with the grief and has started pulling away from her.

“He also won’t actually define our relationship, we haven’t met each other’s families or friends, we’re still just sort of dating (albeit exclusively),” she adds.

Sheena continues: “We like each other and I’m not racing to get married again, but I’m unsettled by the ambiguity of the relationship I’m in.”

“He plays it off as him being ‘all messed up in the head right now’, which is understandable but do I wait for him to sort himself out or do I move on? I want to give him a fair chance but I don’t want to be strung along,” Sheena says.

This is obviously a really hard time for him and subsequently Sheena, what should she do?

Jessica Alderson, relationship expert and co-founder of So Syncd wades in.

How can you support the person you’re dating when they’re dealing with loss?

“There are two key types of support you can offer when someone is dealing with the loss of a loved one: emotional and practical support,” Alderson says.

Simplicity is key, the best way to support someone in a situation like this is by being there for them. “Listening, giving them a shoulder to cry on, and just holding space for them to feel their emotions can be incredibly helpful,” Alderson explains.

“Creating a supportive environment where they feel safe to express their emotions without judgment is often exactly what people need,” she adds.

In terms of practical support, you could offer with things like funeral arrangements or assistance with everyday tasks such as cooking and cleaning. “This takes away some of the stress and pressure of daily life, giving them time and space to grieve in their own way,” Alderson says.

It’s important to remember that everyone grieves differently. “Just because a certain strategy helped you cope with grief in the past, it doesn’t mean it will be the best path forward for someone else,” Alderson says.

“Showing that you understand and accept their individual needs is one of the best ways to support someone during a period of grief.”

Should we date when we’ve just experienced a death?

This is a difficult question and there’s no right or wrong answer to whether you should or shouldn’t date after experiencing a death of a loved one. Alderson thinks: “It’s important to take a step back to consciously assess whether dating is the right decision for you at that time.”

“Whether you should or shouldn’t date while grieving depends on several factors, including the extent of your grief, your personality, and your relationship dynamic,” she adds.

For some people, they find that dating during a period of grief can help them to bring them closer, while others find that it hinders the healing process or they can’t emotionally invest in a relationship. “Either way, it is important to be honest with yourself about your emotional capacity and to go from there,” Alderson adds.

Your feelings are valid and you’re allowed to date while feeling your emotions and grieving, but Alderson believes you should take a step back every now and then to reflect on whether it’s what you both need at the given moment.

“If you find yourself unable to cope with the loss while also navigating a new relationship, it might be best to give yourself a break to focus on yourself and your own healing process,” she says.

What practical advice would you give this reader?

This is a difficult and sad situation for both Sheena and her potential partner, Alderson advises that she has a very honest conversation with him about their relationship and what they need from each other.

“If he doesn’t feel like he can meet your needs at this point in time, you might want to press pause on the relationship and move forward separately for the time being,” she adds.

“Of course, when you’re in a relationship, it’s essential to support each other, but you have to balance that with your own boundaries,” Alderson explains.

She continues: “Situations like this are difficult, especially if you’re a naturally empathetic person because you have to find a balance between compassion for your partner and your own emotional needs.”

If Sheena does decide to press pause on the relationship she should let him know how much she cares about him and make a plan to continue dating again if the time is right in the future.

“If you are both single and willing to try again. It’s one thing to wait a few days or even weeks if one of you is going through a busy period at work, but it’s another to wait months until someone is in a better headspace when you aren’t even in a committed relationship,” Alderson explains.

If Sheena is looking for a relationship, Alderson suggests dating other people rather than waiting around for him.

Love Stuck is for those who’ve hit a romantic wall, whether you’re single or have been coupled up for decades. With the help of trained sex and relationship therapists, HuffPost UK will help answer your dilemmas. Submit a question here.