The Funniest Tweets From Women This Week (May 20-26)

instead of asking “how are you,” we should start conversations with “so what’s been haunting you this week”

— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) May 22, 2023

Meal prepping is crucial for having quick and easy access to something i would rather die than eat

— anne (@codinghater) May 23, 2023

i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life's short but now he's my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long

— You Will Find Your People is out now📕NYC 5/26 (@hellolanemoore) May 20, 2023

airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”

— trash jones (@jzux) May 21, 2023

I ran into my old therapist at the store and to my surprise she spoke to me in public. She asked me how I was doing, I responded “I’m struggling to be honest.” She replied “well take care” and walked off Lmaoo

— AntionetteTheGirlNextDoor (@AskDrAnti0nette) May 22, 2023

Girls notes app be like:

– grocery lists
– childhood trauma
– travel plans
– draft breakup text
– baby names
– situationships
– appointment reminders
– gut-wrenching paragraphs about worst life experiences
– deepest darkest fears
– passwords

— 🤨 Collin Farrell's eyebrows 🤨 (@CH3RRYMOCHA) May 22, 2023

Being married to a former drug addict has it's funny moments.

Earlier my husband said, "if we start giving them apple juice, we should cut it with water right?"

DILUTE….DILUTE IS THE WORD BABE

— k i r b y (@mommatofour_) May 21, 2023

Forget a hot girl summer I want a Winnie the Pooh summer with no pants a cute little shirt and a chubby belly

— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) May 22, 2023

nothing more freeing than when your friend gives you permission to be a full hater of her ex like oh yes here comes 3 years of pent up disgust baby plus L plus ratio plus his haircut should be illegal

— ellie schnitt (@holy_schnitt) May 25, 2023

European food isn’t magical, it’s the lifestyle that keeps them thin. You have to wake up, drink your coffee, hop on your little scooter, sleep with everyone else’s wife by noon, then make it to work in time for your first lunch break and it takes a lot out of you

— waria 🤌☭ (@EternalDago) May 20, 2023

*me getting my oil changed*

mechanic: “we’ve also notice that—“

me: pic.twitter.com/k6cQbHvwQ9

— Invis🍒 (@invis4yo) May 24, 2023

When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.

— Ginny Hogan_ (@ginnyhogan_) May 23, 2023

i don’t mind accidentally being in the background of tiktoks because if i’m ever falsely accused of a crime all i have to do for an alibi is find the 19-year-old who was filming their trip to the starbucks on beverly and la brea to try the ice spice latte on 5/19/23 at 2:37pm

— taylor garron (@taylorgarron) May 20, 2023

There should be a Nobel prize for not drunk texting someone even when you really want to

— caitie delaney (@caitiedelaney) May 20, 2023

Me: hmm, this medieval city builder game is clunky, I probably won’t play long
Me, four hours later, having not moved: YES YES ADMIRE THE VASTNESS OF MY SHEEP FIELDS!

— Jessica Ellis (@baddestmamajama) May 21, 2023

I think the elephant really ties the room together

— reb (@rebmasel) May 20, 2023

I bring a book with me everywhere I go NOT because I’m a particularly voracious reader but because what if there’s a hostage situation, and what if that hostage situation has a lot of down time. It can’t all be drama. There’s probably some downtime.

— broti gupta (@BrotiGupta) May 25, 2023

this is what I mean when I ask if you want to hang out pic.twitter.com/HS0u2Kqdgs

— Danya Issawi (@danya_issawi) May 20, 2023

hear me out: This American Life but made by people who went to party schools

— Amanda Mull (@amandamull) May 23, 2023

i really dont think anyone who wasn't in college before, say, 2013 can appreciate just how much of our social life was "take a billion photos at one social event and then upload them all to Facebook and caption every single one"

— molly taft (@mollytaft) May 22, 2023

*testing out the display showers at Home Depot by crying in them*

— Taco (Biggie’s Version) (@bgschnikelfritz) May 20, 2023

Shrek got a 10 minute standing ovation at Cannes just for a little bit of context.

— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) May 22, 2023

Oh my god it happened there was a medical emergency on my flight

I've had my MD for 4 days

Thank god half the passengers from Israel to New York are also doctors and another more seasoned one stood up because when I tell you my life flashed before my eyes

— Rachel Alter MD MPH (@RachelAlter007) May 20, 2023

when i watch selling sunset i feel like i am the feminist book store owners from portlandia

— sarah hagi (@KindaHagi) May 23, 2023

was just driving behind a car with two home-printed signs that said “NEW DRIVER! BE PATIENT!! I AM MORE SCARED THAN YOU!!” but no in fact now that I have seen the sign I think am

— Alexandra Petri (@petridishes) May 20, 2023

I still call it "ABC Family." I'm calling it "HBO Max" forever.

— Rohita Kadambi (@RohitaKadambi) May 23, 2023

This girl pushed past me at this function yesterday and I looked at her with my face screwed up and my friend gently put her hand on my shoulder and said “she will beat both of our asses…let it go” 😂😂😂

— B (@LupusFiasco) May 22, 2023