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When the Titanic submersible imploded into the ocean, I felt pity. I read news upon news; what happened? How did it happen? When? Who and who were affected? I held on with a bated breath while reading opinions on social media. Somehow, I trusted that a rescue team would get there swiftly. I did not know how, but it was America and I had read how proactive rescue teams could be over there. But when a random person tweeted, “The oxygen has finished, they must be dead by now,” I curled into a corner of my couch, sadness washing over me. I shut my eyes, as though that would stop the picture of the father and son – clasping their necks, their mouths open, gasping frantically for help, their veins popping out in long vertical lines, their eyes red and bulging – from seeping into my mind.
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Every time I think of me skydiving, I think of death. What if the parachute fails to work while I’m freefalling and I land, head-first, into a rock, my face squashed on the glistering stone, my brain shattering into tiny little bits, my eyes rolling out of their sockets down the hills and I am unrecognisable, save for the jeans and Ankara top I’d most likely be wearing. And the locs. Yes, definitely the locs. But I watch videos and the excited squeaks of divers ginger me. Maybe one day, I’d do it or something like it, knowing the risks. Maybe it’d awaken me.
My life is filled with tiny little coloured balls of boredom, rolling together to form a large ball of resentment – for my environment, country and even life itself. Once in a while, something jolts inside of me and I get up, lock my doors, call my friend and say “Meet me at this restaurant,” even though I know the chicken and fries taste horribly – much to my disappointment, aren’t they acclaimed for their crispy chicken? But restaurants or occasional hangouts cannot save me, I know. I want to do something, maybe skydive or go deep into the ocean.
Don’t test the waters…
250,000 dollars? That is too much money to pay for one’s death… I mean, they are so many other adventures one can be a part of and enjoy without risking one’s life… What will we say is the cause, is it too much dispensable money? It is definitely too much money. Yes, it is also important to leave the ocean alone, some things are sacred.
In my father’s friend’s house, where we had gone to celebrate Sallah, a group of men, my father included, were talking about the shipwreck and as I listened in on their conversation, my father turned to me “You’re too quiet, it is something you can do, abi? Indeed. He knows me.
I do not believe in leaving the ocean alone, I tell them. Not leaving things alone is the reason why we have this much innovation in the world today – people, possibly, sacrificed their lives for this level of comfort and luxury that we enjoy. People got scorched and burned so we could play with certain fires and people tumbled off mountains so others could climb. If innovators had left the air alone, we’d probably not have planes. If people had left the waters alone, then we wouldn’t have boats and ships and canoes.
But even as I write this, I see how selfish I sound. It is convenient that I am in the comfort of my home – my OX fan blowing cool air – talking about the death of people I am not affiliated with for the innovation of the world. After all, I am not affected by their death nor would I understand the pain of losing a husband and son to something completely avoidable. But – death – it hangs over us like a scythe, reminding us that it is here, ready to strike. I do not want to die because an errant Okada man hit me, the cantilever of my apartment collapsed and landed on my head, or I was stung by a bee. I hope to be rich one day and when I do, I hope to have the balls to spend my money exploring the deepest parts of the world, even when it is risky – just as they have done. And when it goes south, I hope people would be more empathetic towards me, understanding that I wanted more out of life. So that is how I see them; people who had the balls to do something different. Something… more. And I hope they got to see the Titanic.
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