Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. Every week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch.
There is no one louder, more observant, or as articulate as a toddler in a public restroom stall with their parent.
— emily (@emilykmay) July 6, 2023
My 5yo just announced that he wants to name his first kid Godzilla, and looking back at his class roster, it could honestly be so much worse
— meghan (@deloisivete) July 5, 2023
7: what do you do after we go to bed?
me: i sit and think about you and your brother, how much i love you, and it makes me miss you until morning
7: i could stay up with you and keep you company!
me: hell no, but thanks
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) July 7, 2023
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) July 3, 2023
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) July 3, 2023
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) July 2, 2023
Parenting Expert: Give your toddler choices so they feel like they have control
Me: Would you like to wear a dress or a t-shirt today?
My Toddler: GIMME THE IPAD
— Not the Nanny (@not_thenanny) July 6, 2023
My daughter called children’s liquid ibuprofen “pain juice” and I’m contacting their marketing department to suggest a permanent name change.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) July 5, 2023
Took my 11 y/o out to spend some of her babysitting money and she sighed, “I thought ice cream would taste different with my own money. It tastes the same.” Welcome to the working world, kid.
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) July 7, 2023
My 3yo saw a photo of a vacation we went on in Nov and asked “where’s Winnie?” and I said “she wasn’t born yet” and he went “she wasn’t aways here??” And this is it, folks, we’ve Dawn from Buffy-ed him, finally.
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) July 4, 2023
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) July 6, 2023
When I said. “Lay here for a few minutes and let these ear drops do their work” obviously I meant “this is a great time to perform Little Mermaid karaoke”
— mom mom mom mom mom (@notmythirdrodeo) July 3, 2023
Sorry kids I missed your childhood I was trying to figure out which app to use to seek validation from strangers
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) July 6, 2023
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
— @itssherifield (@itssherifield) July 5, 2023
My kid got overheated and said the only thing that would help was french fries, and I’m not a doctor but that sounds about right
— meghan (@deloisivete) July 3, 2023
Found a great way to wake up in the morning without drinking coffee. Get your toddler to spill hot coffee on you. You’ll wake right up
— Meghana Chalasani, MD (@MChalasani) July 1, 2023
Sweet things my kids said during the fireworks show they waited all week for and we hauled ass to get to:
When is it done?
Can we go home now?
This isn't that great yet
I'm bored
I don't like these kinds
I wanna go to bed— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) July 5, 2023
Definitely have kids if you want woken up at dawn on a Saturday because your kid wants you to watch them watch a stranger play a video game you don’t even like on their tablet.
— Meg St-Esprit (@MegStEsprit) July 1, 2023
me: It’s important to tell your parents everything.
my 8yo: when mommy woke up this morning she looked 100 years old.
me: whatever you do don’t tell her that.
— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) July 5, 2023
Happy 4th of July to all Americans, and happy Independence Day to those without kids.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) July 4, 2023
Kids with rich parents have a higher chance to end up as entitled and snobby and so I hope my kids appreciate how much I’ve gone out of my way not to be rich FOR THEM
— The Dad (@thedad) July 3, 2023
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) July 6, 2023
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