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My conversations with a friend of mine are the reason I am writing this. 7 months ago, I wrote about not echoing stereotypes, using a discussion I had with them as an example. You see, this friend of mine is a great perpetrator of stereotypes, and every time we talk, I find myself convincing them about why one tribe is not how they think it is, or correcting their misconception about certain people, places or situations.
So, this essay is born out of my many conversations with them, the observations I’ve made and how, over time, I’ve been able to make progress in correcting their thought processes.
A lack of introspection
One major flaw with people who perpetuate stereotypes is the inability to be introspective and/or question the status quo. So they often find themselves regurgitating the things that have been said to them over and over again without pausing to ask why. We’re all growing up in a society that tells and teaches us what to believe in. This society tells us our religion is better than the others, or that we should behave a certain way because of our gender, race or tribe. So it can be difficult to be divergent in a society that tries to mould you to be a certain way.
Here’s how you can be different:
- Be self-aware: Recognise that everyone holds biases and stereotypes to some extent. That way, you won’t be alarmed when you find out you’re being biased; instead, you’d be open to learning.
- Always ask yourself if the beliefs you hold are yours, not the ones you have been conditioned to adopt by society (society, here, means family, friends, acquaintances, religion, mentors, etc.), or inherited from others. If you believe, as a woman, that you are not equal to a man, you should ask yourself why. If you believe in feminism, that mothers-in-law are witches, or that men are loved conditionally, you should ask yourself why. Whenever you catch yourself making assumptions, pause and question the validity of those assumptions.
- Understand that the beliefs you hold are shaped by your experiences, and knowledge while acknowledging that these are also limited by your level of exposure. The world is bigger and humans are way more multifaceted than our small minds can comprehend.
This is not a call to rebel or turn your back against societal/cultural beliefs and/or practices, this is me encouraging you to understand why you have chosen to believe in them, as opposed to following blindly.
The need to always see exceptions rather than norms
One funny thing is how people around me (who perpetuate stereotypes) are quick to tell me I am an exception. When I was an undergraduate, one of my coursemates once argued that people from my tribe are dirty, “But you’re different; your house is always neat,” he’d added.
Recently, this friend – who is the reason I write this piece – gisted me of how her family had a problem with someone for a long period of time. After narrating all the harm the person had caused, they said, “I’m not being stereotypical o, before you’ll coman say I like echoing stereotypes too much, short people are so wicked. But you and (proceeds to mention another friend of ours) are different sha.” “Why are we exempted from this natural wickedness?” I asked. “I’ve known you guys for long na, you people are cool.” Pick a struggle, are short people – us inclusive – wicked or not? It took a while for them to be convinced that a person’s height does not determine their level of wickedness.
Here’s what you can do differently:
- Don’t be too fixated on the bad aspects of a people, tribe, society, or culture that you make that their only story.
- Be open-minded enough to understand that individuals are unique, the characteristics or behaviours of one person are a function of their own beliefs and exposure; they don’t apply to an entire group.
- Regularly question your thought patterns and correct stereotypes before they take hold in your mind. When you find yourself thinking of how a tribe is this or a race is that, remember the good people you have met from that tribe/race.
The inability to do research
My father told me a story of a fellow corp member he met during NYSC. She was the daughter of a politician and had come from Lagos to serve in Kano. She had assumed everyone in Kano was blind and expressed her shock when she found out it wasn’t true. When my father talks about ignorance, he never fails to share her story. I also see a lack of curiosity here; had she never wondered how business was run in Kano if everyone living there was blind? Had she never tried to read books about the North? Had she never seen a representative from Kano State on the TV? Why would she believe – without any form of proof – that everyone living in Kano was blind? Doesn’t it even sound preposterous?
Here’s how you can do better:
- Read! Thankfully, we now have Google and it is everyone’s friend. When you hear/read something about a race, tribe, city, people, culture, etc., do your own research to ensure you are well-informed before you share it with other people.
- Don’t be willing to accept messages that perpetuate stereotypes. Instead, consciously seek out diverse and authentic representations.
- Travel! You can also travel virtually, haha. Don’t be consumed by the thought that your father’s barn is the biggest when you haven’t visited others.
There you have it: a mini guide to help you rise above stereotypes.
Above all, don’t be defensive and be open to learning and unlearning when people point out your biases. My friend is learning not to generalise, at least when talking to me, and to check their biases too. For now, “I will not talk o, before you say I am being stereotypical” is good enough for me, haha. We’re a work in progress, so we’ve all got time to learn and do better.
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