The Funniest Tweets From Parents This Week (Sept. 30-Oct. 6)

My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn't want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she's not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.

— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) October 5, 2023

Just thinking about how when my son was a toddler, he used to count like this:
“8…9…10…I-love-it…12…13…”

— redyellowgreendance 💃🏻 (@RYGdance) October 5, 2023

Don’t have kids if you’re not a morning person. At 7:45am I had to break up a fight because my daughter made a human out of clothes and her brother ran in and attacked it and she kept screaming “HE RUINED MY HUMAN OF CLOTHES” and it was so early.

— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) October 4, 2023

Today, one of my kids showed me her to do list organized by subject and urgency, and my other kid walked into the wall while trying to read a book.

— Lyz Lenz (@lyzl) October 3, 2023

when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.

like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.

— Chele, please! (@_YamSmalls_) September 30, 2023

My kid is asking me questions like “what is ethics,” and I just want to rewind to the “do mermaids know what pants are” stage because it was easier.

— krista pacion (@kristabellerina) October 6, 2023

Hey mom, you know what we haven’t had in a while? Popsicles

-my kid, while eating an ice cream cone

— meghan (@deloisivete) October 2, 2023

I highly recommend my 5YO if anyone is looking to hire a rock smuggler

— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) September 28, 2023

Welcome to the next phase of parenthood where your kids can finally sleep through the night and you still can’t.

— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) October 4, 2023

My toddler looked sad, so I started dancing in front of her to try cheer her up. She looked at me and shook her head. That’s a no.

— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) October 3, 2023

Stages of a quick trip to Costco:

1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) October 3, 2023

My daughter wrote a story titled “my mom loves coke” but didn’t clarify it was the soda and now I’m nervous for parent-teacher conferences

— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) October 1, 2023

Normal people: hey I just ran out of shampoo. I need some more

Teenagers: hey I ran out of shampoo like 5 months ago why haven't you gotten me more yet?

— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) October 2, 2023

My 5yo saw a sign while we drove to school & said it meant no crashing into the floor.

It was a no U-turn sign.

— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) October 1, 2023

I told my 3yo Elliot I saw a deer in our yard & he goes “I’ll tell the other Elliots” and I laughed, then later he explained he said that bc in an ep of Thomas a diesel train named Diesel said “ill tell the other diesels” which is smart but also how confusing must it be to be 3

— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) October 3, 2023

My oldest legit just said: it’s pretty rare that the prototype is the best version but here I am

— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) October 5, 2023

I’m so proud of my daughter for making this fox all by herself and also I’m never fucking sleeping again. pic.twitter.com/2HdoXhhpOF

— @itssherifield (@itssherifield) October 2, 2023

My 3yo came home from school mad that one of the boys poked her in the eye. I asked if she talked to her teacher about it and she said yes, but the teacher didn’t have a chance to address it because then the boy fell out of his chair and broke both his arms. Unsure if lies.

— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) October 5, 2023

no one:

my daughter: mom, i love you, more than anything, more than pie…and i don’t like pie that much

— That Mom Tho 🐦 (@mom_tho) September 30, 2023

OMG OMG OMG it’s only Tuesday but I still have to parent for the rest of my life.

— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) October 3, 2023

when my son goes out and disregards my advice to take a sweater and later tells me that he got really cold pic.twitter.com/JEgCMLjxRJ

— 🎃🌜🤷♂️Dad Moon Rising 🤷♂️🌛🎃 (@raoulvilla) October 2, 2023

Me, watching my son cross his legs and bounce like a crazy person: Do you need to go potty?

7yo: How did you know before I knew?

— Raw Motherhood (@MetteAngerhofer) October 4, 2023

I wrapped my toddler up in a blanket when I brought him down from bed this morning he’s now demanding to be carried like that everywhere

— Mommeh Thee Dearest (@mommeh_dearest) October 5, 2023