These Are The Funniest Tweets From Women This Week

taking the amtrak is so fun. when you drive all you see is ugly highways but when you take the train you get to see some guy’s weird backyard

— chase (@_chase_____) November 6, 2023

my dream job is I go on a really long walk every morning, 3-4 hrs, come back to my desk at lunchtime and then write a 3000 word report on the walk. End of day, send report to an email address that never ever replies

— Ana Kinsella (@anakinsella) November 7, 2023

sorry i can’t come out tonight the sun’s setting at 5

— trash jones (@jzux) November 5, 2023

"23 people have died in this house"

Families in horror movies: pic.twitter.com/RU2erxD2Fy

— Invis🧜♀️ (@invis4yo) November 9, 2023

no thoughts november. i will not be doing any more thinking

— clare (@sadderlizards) November 6, 2023

Just accidentally sang "was the son of a pizza man," and now I'm intrigued.

— Annie Way (@Anniewritess) November 9, 2023

Gmail trying to start some work drama with these reply options pic.twitter.com/I5BXM7dPwI

— meghan (@deloisivete) November 3, 2023

When you get your first bath since august and automatically turn into the Sarah McLaughlin ad. pic.twitter.com/1LV3Ws7gpz

— Sophie Vershbow (@svershbow) November 8, 2023

someone got ahold of my credit card number and spent money at the musee d’orsay in paris. hats off to this cultured fraudster

— Brandy Jensen (@BrandyLJensen) November 9, 2023

dark out at 4:30pm for the next 5 months… time to clock in at the ol parasocial relationship factory

— caitie delaney (@caitiedelaney) November 6, 2023

sure people start getting engaged, married and having kids, BUT something nobody truly prepares you for about your late twenties is how many of your friends start running marathons

— Annie Wu (all socials: @annie_wu_22) (@Annie_Wu_22) November 6, 2023

That weird burner account watching your stories isn’t your ex. It’s not your ex’s new girlfriend either. It’s me. We don’t know each other. We never have or will. But it’s me. Bc I stumbled upon you, & you became a beloved character in my nighttime routine. It’ll always be me

— michaela okland (@MichaelaOkla) November 7, 2023

i don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.

— Ginny Hogan (@ginnyhogan_) November 7, 2023

I have personally decided to set my clocks back to 1991 and just be a baby again

— danielle weisberg for hire (@danielleweisber) November 5, 2023

sometimes my mother will refer to men my father is “lucky to have beat to the punch” for her hand in marriage and 80% of the time it’s just a hot famous man who she’s sure would’ve instantly fallen in love w her if they’d ever met…. and i don’t think she’s wrong

— Sydney Battle (@SydneyBattle) November 6, 2023

To have been loved is to have been changed https://t.co/dWuJEfIx47

— ellory smith (@ellorysmith) November 9, 2023

Doctor’s offices need those portable buzzers so instead of sitting in the waiting room forever you can leave and get buzzed when they’re ready for you like a medical Cheesecake Factory

— SpacedMom (@copymama) November 6, 2023

I invented an aesthetic called “are u mad at me” core and the vibe is tummy ache, too many exclamation points, post-drinking anxiety, tank tops in winter bc you’re anxious sweaty all the time, etc

— ellie schnitt (@holy_schnitt) November 7, 2023

I missed the anniversary of my dad’s best Facebook post pic.twitter.com/Tt8uNkfQ6E

— Samantha Ruddy (@samlymatters) November 7, 2023

its been so overplayed in the cultural consciousness that it feels like no one even thinks of it as a real option anymore but imagining that airplanes in the night sky could be shooting stars is actually for real a beautiful and poetic thing to do . Anyway

— rayne fisher-quann (@raynefq) November 5, 2023

I’m a simple woman and don’t ask for much. Five meals a day. Nine hours of sleep. A pair of yoga pants, complete solitude, and no social obligations whatsoever.

— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) November 9, 2023

pug owners: my dog is the cutest thing ever

the dog: pic.twitter.com/Kz2qYgnb5m

— 𝕽 (@lowkyric) November 7, 2023

the way I abuse paper towels when I’m cooking is ridiculous…

— M 🍓 (@babyariees) November 7, 2023

my mom just retired in time for my 24yo sister to get her first 100% remote job but my sister wants coworkers so she goes to my mom's house every day and works there and forces my mom to be her coworker 💀

— emily (@emilykmay) November 8, 2023

“they made a trailer without the music for people who hate musicals” well if there’s one thing people who hate musicals love, it’s being tricked into seeing a musical

— ashley ray (@theashleyray) November 9, 2023

had a dream that i tweeted “i just love salmon so much” and someone quote tweeted it “bears in the summer be like”

— latke (@latkedelrey) November 8, 2023

My husband's beige flag is he's always ranting about the "feels like" temperature on the weather app. "If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????"

— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) November 9, 2023

No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea

— Satirical Mommy (@SatiricalMommy) November 5, 2023

Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) November 9, 2023

what show do you guys leave on for your pets when you leave. I put on Curb for my dog whenever I leave the house and I feel it has informed his personality

— caitie delaney (@caitiedelaney) November 7, 2023