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I have never claimed to be a relationship expert but I am innately a very observant person. It also helped me greatly to have studied Economics because as a social scientist, I’ve an uncanny skill in running socio-cultural diagnostics. So by nature and nurture – I am fascinated with studying human behaviour. The hardest thing to do in the world is probably to advise people in love because you will immediately be labelled as an emissary of their village people. Agur Ben Jakeh, one the renowned sages to walk the earth during his time had this to say about lovebirds, “there be three things which are too wonderful for me, yea, four which I know not: the way of an eagle in the air; the way of a serpent upon a rock; the way of a ship in the midst of the sea; and the way of a man with a maid.”
The Nigerian experience leaves me in stitches just as much as it makes me scratch my head. I took a look at the timeline and I deconstructed a few thematic touchpoints that seem to be recurring signatures in most relationships. This is light-hearted stuff. If I were you, I wouldn’t take them too seriously but if you find gems therein, good. It was William Shakespeare, author of the book on famed lovers, Romeo & Juliet that submitted, “Many a true word is spoken in jest”.
Let The Singles Breathe!
We single pringles have to come together and stage a united front against these oppressors on the timeline. Once you come online, the next thing you will see is, “My husband this” and “My wife that” – abeg na single we single, we no kee person. If it’s not a PDA, it’s matching pyjamas. This is one of the reasons this country is not moving forward, in a place where there is little or no social justice – how can those not in romantic relationships survive? I think we urgently need a constitutional review, this gengen-pressing by booed-up folks should be against the law. Dear Mr & Mrs, we gather dey for the matter – don’t suffocate us!
So What Are We?
Whether this question is a great or dumb one depends on when it’s being asked. If you ask at the start, smart. If you ask the morning after, dumb. Let me give you some street OT; most people don’t like to buy a cow when they can get the milk for free. If you cannot define your relationship before the fact, otilo! After dem don chop your nwkobi on code, you have little or no negotiating power. That’s why some people stay in situationships they don’t like because they feel they have already given up something precious. You need to be heavy on having uncomfortable conversations, if the other person is meant for you – direct questions shouldn’t scare anyone away.
Our Husband Has Gone Mad Again
This happens across the board but because of its prevalence amongst the other gender, I will talk to them directly instead of cutting through the corners. Dear sisters, in this 2024, enough of fighting your fellow women over a randy man! Stop embarrassing yourself and your family on Obasanjo’s internet, have some self-respect. A real man will never put you in a position where you have to figure out whether you are the one or the side piece. Isn’t it cringe-worthy to see ladies brawling over a full-grown adult who chose to exercise his human agency? It’s peak delulu! There is nothing like “stealing” your man, don’t make those silly excuses for him – cheating is a decision. Unfortunately, you ended up with a community penis.
Agba Rizzler
Some people’s rizz game is wild; they can sell ice to an Eskimo if given a chance. The problem with some of these smooth talkers is that there is a world of difference between what they say and what they are. Packaging na your mate? Dey play my fans! This sounds quite counter-intuitive, especially coming from someone who has the gift of the garb. I can tell you for free that such charm can be weaponized in relationships. It typically ends in a case of what you ordered vs what you got. When you meet such people who bombard you with endless lamba, like one great man would always say, “Go and verify!”
All These Elon Musk Boys
For most guys with little funds dating pretty babes, those relationships are endangered species except say you hold your side. Small relationship wey you dey use see front, dem go follow you drag am. You see all these IJGB guys, too much Pounds & Dollars dey body – mandem always in the black with a sprinkle of roadman accent. Dem sabi trigger release clause anyhow, even when the transfer window don close. Enough BTC dey their wallet, dem no dey fear to chest billing. The way Pablos dey spend for their Oloris na highest. If your babe tell you say she go do Valentine for her uncle place, especially the one wey she use Alhaji, Lekki or Pluto take save him name, just know say she went on loan – she go soon come back to her parent club. Now, I’m not saying she’s a gold digger but she’s not messing with no broke guys.
Podcasters Isonu
The worst thing you can do to yourself is to take relationship advice from some of these folks who set up ring lights to cap on a regular. Understand that they will say anything for clout because they are looking for clicks, brownie points, subscription numbers and a viral social media clip or soundbite. If they have to say dumb things to achieve their goal, they will do it and the joke is on you. After all the I-can’t-cook-for-anybody rogbodiyan online, aunty don switch to Hilda Baci pro max offline. Person wey dey preach body positivity that year don go do BBL. People wey dey show us their process of becoming don dey act in ways that are unbecoming of road models and menthols. Baddies wey dey form Agojie online that year don dey date glucose guardian offline. Wahalurr!
House Parties?
This is a table many people don’t want to shake but I won’t spare its last leg. You see some of these so-called house parties? It’s mostly a euphemism for mekwe, drugs and booze. If your boo is always so excited about attending such, just find out wetin dey sup because some of these events are low-key sneaky links where there is genital meet and greet on a fetish level. Don’t ask me how I know this, I can neither confirm nor deny who my source is.
You Are A Bad Boy!
This one is for my gender. Especially those that have carried many girls handicap under the guise of “our wife”. Weh done sirs. You people lead babes on and even have the audacity to introduce her to your friends, who are usually in on the scam. If you want to be polygamous, do it with your full chest – you don’t have to allow people to invest emotions, time and energy in what they consider a fledging relationship only to serve them a cold breakfast when they least expect it.
Talking Stage
Some of you are technically single although it seems you’re in a relationship. Some people are skilled in wasting your time; they don’t want you, they just don’t want others to have you. Others show just enough interest in you so that they can always bill you or curry favours from you. Such people love you for what you represent, not who you are. That’s why the person you ended it with showed up on Instagram with another lover in a heartbeat, you were just a prop – a means to an end.
Don’t Go Back For Closure!
Sometimes cut your losses, take your L and keep it moving. The idea of returning to your ex or estranged lover doesn’t always bode well. Not to rule out the possibility of forgiveness or second chances but that person is your ex for a reason. Many people are stuck in situationships today because they went to look for something that was not lost. Okafor’s Law could come into play and it may blur your ability to see things clearly. There mustn’t be any explanation; what you’ll almost certainly get is gaslighting and emotional blackmail – what happened happened. Don’t reject the evidence of your eyes and ears, it is what it is.
An epistle of St. Mfon to the brethren in the struggle: to the ladies, make sure your king has a dream. To the guys, make sure your queen can hold her own like a Coretta. Until you find that special somebody, no gree for anybody!
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