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Editor’s note: If you have been on social media lately and following conversations about relocation and marriage, you must have noticed a trend where people come online to share how relocation is taking a toll on marriages, and how their friends (friends’ friends, or someone they know) is having one marital issue or another due to relocation.
Conversations around japa have garnered diverse narratives. One, people advise you to have your own person before you relocate as it can get very lonely over there. In the same vein, people are having conversations about the impact of japa, new environment and culture on marriages.
We understand that navigating a new country as a couple can be tough, which is why we’re inviting couples to share their experiences, comparing life in Nigeria versus the country they now reside in. In this 2-part series, we explore issues of love, marriage and japa. First, we talk to Praise and Oluwaseyi Ogunnowo who got married in 2020 and relocated to the Netherlands in 2022 on how they have navigated their marriage in a new land.
Praise and Oluwaseyi
Hello Praise and Oluwaseyi. It’s good to have you both here
Hi BellaNaija, thank you.
Did you get married in Nigeria before relocating, and for how long?
Oluwaseyi: Yeah, we had our court wedding in October 2020, and we relocated in July 2022 with our son.
Nice! What country?
Praise: We relocated to the Netherlands in July 2022. We’ve been here for 21 months precisely.
How did you run your home before leaving?
Praise: It was a breeze. Our son arrived in October 2021, and with both of us working in the tech industry, we primarily worked from home. Seyi had to commute to the office twice a week, but I enjoyed the flexibility of fully remote work with an international company. With the support of our extended family and a nanny who came in daily, we were able to cherish every moment with our baby. As ambitious young parents, we didn’t have to sacrifice our professional careers for family. It truly felt like we were living our dream life.
Oluwaseyi: Before we relocated, we combined our finances. There weren’t any specific expenses each person had to bear and this worked for us. We both worked and so we had a nanny who looked after our baby and after the day’s work, we looked after him.
How has the process of relocating abroad impacted your relationship? Were there any significant challenges, surprises or culture shock you faced during this transition as a couple?
Praise: There were a lot of challenges. Initially, we were thrilled about the prospect of starting our family in the Netherlands (and that excitement remains), but the reality quickly dawned on us. The expenses piled up rapidly, and within three months of relocating, we had depleted all our savings from Nigeria due to lots and lots of monthly bills and excess taxes on everything. We were sad.
The distance from our families and the responsibility of caring for an eight-month-old child created a lot of strain in our relationship. We had to adapt to this new reality and develop coping mechanisms. Unlike our lifestyle in Nigeria, where we could frequently go out, we found ourselves questioning if we really craved Spaghetti Bolognese or would just save the money for water bills. This placed significant stress on us initially but with time, we acclimated and things improved. We gradually built a social circle, made more friends, met a lot of amazing people, became part of a church community, and eventually, the Netherlands started to feel like home.
Oluwaseyi: Nannies are expensive here so we take care of our son by ourselves. One profound culture shock is the fact that there are wait times for daycare admissions, so we had to wait for some availability before our son got into daycare. That wasn’t the case in Nigeria. Another interesting thing we learned or got accustomed to was making appointments. The Dutch are extremely time-conscious and love making appointments. We’ve had a few scenarios where we had to make appointments well in advance before we got anything done.
For the first few months, relocating did have some impact on our marriage. For one, arguments became frequent, because the support systems we had in Nigeria – nanny, extended family members – were no longer available. We became responsible for every aspect of our domestic lives and our careers, which can lead to some heated conversations.
Tell us about this impact relocation had on your marriage and one remarkable change you had to make
Praise: There was a particular moment a few months after our relocation when we found ourselves reevaluating our marriage and the state of our lives. We asked the big, tough questions. We were both on edge, engaging in frequent arguments and disagreements over trivial matters, overwhelmed by the challenges of starting all over again in a foreign land. The constant cycle of job interviews followed by numerous rejections, having to pay heavily for daycare so we could work, learning a new language, and having to spend two times our annual rent in Nigeria on rent monthly here weighed heavily on us. As though that was not enough, despite our decent earnings, we struggled to build any substantial savings.
However, we swiftly recognised the need to confront these difficulties head-on and, reminding ourselves how God had specifically chosen this place for us, was such a reassuring anchor during those tough times, which was a lot in the beginning.
Oluwaseyi: One remarkable change was that we placed more structure into our finances by assigning expenses to each other. For instance, rent and utilities are taken by one person while black tax and others are taken by the other.
Hmmn, unlike when you were in Nigeria
Exactly!
Now that you’re in the Netherlands, what principles/values guide your marriage and the relationship you have with each other?
Praise: God helped us, that’s the short answer. Whenever it felt like we were drowning and asking ourselves why we were here, we just had to go back to God’s promises for us and our family and that was how we navigated those seasons in our marriage. We became better for it and stronger. Now, we are beginning to eat the good of the land.
Oluwaseyi: For me, these are the principles: We are Christians, we believe in God and his son, Jesus Christ, and he has helped us through this process. Sticking with the person you made a vow to no matter how hard it gets and always see things from a “we” perspective, not “I”. The woman I married is practically responsible for what I am today. No matter how hard it gets, I will always stick with her. Say sorry, even when you are not at fault.
Do you have any advice for couples planning to relocate?
Praise: Put God first in all you do, it’s a tough world out here. Only move when God says it’s time to go, if not you could be frustrated by all the changes happening too quickly.
Also, know why you’re doing this in the first place, not just because your friends are relocating or because it seems cool to be an abroad babe. Be grounded in your rationale for moving, because when those tough times come, which they will, fiercely and severely, what would keep you levelled is the “why” behind your relocation.
Oluwaseyi: Be prayerful. Prayer will always give you clarity of thought wherever you need to go. I prayed for months for the opportunity to relocate with my family before it even showed up. Be patient, and do not be desperate, all things are in the hands of God. If he believes it is in your interest to leave where you are, he will create a way. Things will get hard, but make sure your marriage does not fall apart, that can have a lot of consequences. Lastly, do not get married with the hope of relocating shortly after, especially if you do not have the means to yet. That is a wrong premise for any marriage.
Thank you, Praise and Oluwaseyi
Praise and Oluwaseyi: Thank you for having us.
The post Praise & Oluwaseyi Talk to Us About Navigating Life As a Couple in the Netherlands appeared first on BellaNaija – Showcasing Africa to the world. Read today!.
