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Welcome to Declassified, a weekly humor column.
If any political promise this year becomes reality, please let it be the president of Botswana releasing 20,000 elephants into Germany!
Mokgweetsi Masisi is unhappy at the German government’s plan to ban the import of hunting trophies even though Botswana is home to some 130,000 elephants.
“It is very easy to sit in Berlin and have an opinion about our affairs in Botswana. We are paying the price for preserving these animals for the world,” the president of the southern African country said.
“We want our elephants to roam freely. The German weather is bad enough for them,” Masisi said. “If you like them so much, then please accept this gift from us.”
I think we can all agree that this would be wonderful. Angela Merkel could come out of retirement to utter those famous three little words “Wir schaffen das!” as the first elephants parade through the Brandenburg Gate. Olaf Scholz could make sure he travels everywhere by elephant in an effort to seem even slightly interesting. The government could promise to send Ukraine some battle elephants instead of Taurus missiles. And imagine the joy of taking a stroll through Munich’s Marienplatz and spotting a family of elephants! It would be like going on safari but with greater sausage options!
It would also make the expression “we need to talk about the elephant in the room” (which doesn’t really exist in German but that’s not going to stop me from making a labored joke) much more interesting because there would often be an actual elephant in the room.
And now a message from our Tenuous Links Department…
You know where there would be plenty of room for elephants? The moon! And soon the moon (and its large mammals) may have its own time zone. The U.S. government has asked NASA to establish a moon-centric time reference system, which is being dubbed Coordinated Lunar Time. That’s a little tricky as time does, of course, move more quickly on the moon because there are loads of exciting things to do there (or maybe because of gravity).
And now another message from our Tenuous Links Department…
But while you can’t have too many elephants or enough time, can you say the same about traditional Greek music?
Not according to the culture ministry in Athens, which wants more than 45 percent of all music played on local radio or in public spaces to be Greek.
This is clearly great news for local artists and those who want to hear “Zorba the Greek” every time they get into an elevator.
CAPTION COMPETITION
Jill Biden: “It’s so great to be here and not be worrying about Donald Trump.”
Bunny: “Easter? SAD!”
Can you do better? Email [email protected] or on Twitter/X @pdallisonesque
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Thanks for all the entries. Here’s the best from our postbag — there’s no prize except for the gift of laughter, which I think we can all agree is far more valuable than cash or booze.
“Do you still miss Nicolas Sarkozy?” by Libor Kudláček
Paul Dallison is POLITICO‘s deputy EU editor.
