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I’m usually allowed to breeze around Preston, choosing on a whim in which restaurant I would next be stuffing my face, and the face of anyone who’s been dragged along for the ride.
However, at the behest of Kate The Co-Editor, this time I will be reviewing Burgr, a Deepdale takeaway that has taken Preston City Council’s food safety officers on a dramatic emotional rollercoaster over the last few months due to a concerning score of 0 out of 5 in early May.
It voluntarily closed and, later that month, rose phoenix-like from the flames (the heat of which, we will assume, also obliterated any remaining bacteria and blasted the mouse poops back into the mice that had been having a great time by simultaneously leaving the p*ss AND taking it, because the last thing anyone needs is a bunch of mice mucking about with quantum physics).
Not only was Burgr allowed to reopen, it was later awarded a magnificent 5 out of 5 after a re-inspection, and you don’t get those just for kicking a dirty sock under a bed. The place has to be sparkling.
When I put in an order to be delivered I noticed with a degree of horror that I’d previously ordered from there in February 2023, but I don’t recall being ill afterwards so hopefully that was before Mr and Mrs Mouse and their spectacularly incontinent children joined the team. They’re with the angels now, bless them.
I admit I did have a quick check to see if a mouse had pooped helpfully right on top of my Fiery Angus Burger (£8.99) before I took a bite. More out of superstition than any belief that Burgr’s kitchen was anything other than pristine, because those inspectors at the FSA are thorough enough to make Howard Hughes look like a member of The Young Ones.
It was a decent burger. The meat wasn’t gristly or padded out with anything foamy; it tasted how a chargrilled, squashed, lightly seasoned, minced cow is supposed to taste. The American cheese tasted how American cheese should taste – of nothing – and the fresh, crushed chillies were prickly hot but not unpleasantly so. The fried onions added a little sweetness, but so did Martin’s Famous Potato Roll that enveloped everything. Sorry, Marti, I’m not a fan of sweet burger buns, and neither is Yvonne.
As an extra precaution I’d ordered the food to be delivered to my 77-year-old mother Yvonne’s house so she could help me with my review. I debated telling her about the previous score but thought it best to observe her reaction to her Just The Bird meal (£9.50) without muddying my scientific experiment with any unhelpful ick bias. She’s a hardy one, it’ll be reet. Her dislike of a sweet bun aside, she said that the chicken wasn’t dry and tasted “okay”.
I’d ordered the loaded fries with cheese sauce, chicken, caramelised onions and chilli sauce (£6.99). The fries were the frozen catering kind but were hot and still fairly crispy. The cheese sauce was fine, as was the rest of it, although both of our potato rolls were the worse for wear after being steamed in their tinfoil during transit.
We finished off with a Peanut Butter Stack (£4.99). There wasn’t a description so I guessed that it might be pancakes with peanut butter and chocolate, but I was way off.
Have you ever left a Lidl’s Mr Choc imitation Snickers in a hot car, then put it in the fridge to harden up again because it was your only source of chocolate and as God is your witness you will see that unhealthy relationship through to the end? Of course you have, you filthy goddess. Imagine doing it with three of them and then Frankensteining them together into a block before they resolidified. That’s pretty much a Burgr’s Peanut Butter Stack.
Yvonne and I both had the same opinion of our takeaway items – they were okay/fine/not bad. For the price we paid we were disappointed, especially a few hours later when we saw that they were suddenly significantly cheaper on Uber Eats, despite us ordering via that app a few hours earlier.
After seeing my previous order from Burgr on Uber Eats, I remembered that meal. The burger in particular had been excellent, and I was blissfully unaware and unaffected by any lapses in hygiene that may have been going on around that time.
As Burgr is now certified as being as clean as a whistle, I would order again from there if there was another offer in the hope that I’d get a burger like the first one I had from there, because that would be well worth the money. But at £30.47 for a chicken burger meal, a beef burger and loaded fries and a cold catering dessert, it wasn’t remarkable enough for the price we paid this time.
I once ate a Double Decker I found hidden at the back of my wardrobe that was four years past its Best Before End date. Can you beat that? Let’s hear it.
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