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For as long as pop music has existed, there have been love songs. And as long as there have been love songs, songwriters have been wrestling with what love means to them. We have been told that love is the best, that it can mend our souls, and keep us alive. But we have also been warned that love is a battlefield upon which we will be torn apart, and eventually killed.
Sitting somewhere between these mixed messages is what I will call the “ugly love songs” category. These are songs that focus on concepts like control, jealousy and emotional blackmail, all presented (to paraphrase U2) in the name of love. It’s unlikely you’ll ever see ugly love songs popping up as a genre search option on Spotify, but here’s what you might find if it did.
First, songs with themes of control and possession. In 2020, a group of psychology researchers used the phrase “you belong to me” in the title of a piece of research which focused on male control, dominance and manipulation of women. Yet these words have been sung in over 600 songs, by artists as diverse as Boyz II Men and Slipknot and used as a song title for the likes of Brian Adams, Steve Perry, Elvis Costello, Dean Martin, Suede and Sam Cooke.
Similarly possessive phrases are also commonplace in lyrics such as “never gonna let you go” (Led Zeppelin, Kiss and Jay Sean) “won’t let you leave” (Nas, Trey Songz and Air Supply) and “won’t let you go” (Daniel Bedingfield, Three Dog Night and Elvis Presley).
The phrase “you’re mine” (or variations thereof) has also been frequently used, showing up in hundreds of songs. And then there are artists that make possessions of themselves, like Little Mix and Selena Gomez singing “I’m yours” on Secret Love Song and Come and Get It respectively, and Destiny’s Child on Cater 2 U with the vomit-inducing lyrics: “What you wanna eat, boo? Let me feed you / Let me run your bathwater / Baby, I’m yours, I wanna cater to you, boy.” Shudder.
Songs about jealousy
A complex emotion which contains varying levels of anger, sadness, irrationality, fear and resentment, jealousy has found its way into several ugly love songs over the years. The most famous example came courtesy of John Lennon with Jealous Guy (1971), which saw him rework the lyrics of White Album-era Beatles demo Child of Nature into a display of chronic insecurity.
Lines like “I was feeling insecure / You might not love me anymore” make listeners sympathise with him. But perhaps less so “I began to lose control/ I’m sorry that I made you cry”, which show how hurtful and damaging the emotion can be to the other person in the relationship.
Elsewhere, alt-rock band Weezer’s song No One Else is described by its songwriter Rivers Cuomo as being “about the jealous-obsessive asshole in me freaking out on my girlfriend” and contains the lyrics “I want a girl who will laugh for no one else / When I’m away, she puts her makeup on the shelf / When I’m away, she never leaves the house.”
Then there’s The Police’s infamously creepy Every Breath You Take which sees our heartsick narrator begging for his former lover’s embrace (“I keep crying, baby, baby please”) before really overstepping the mark and, now in full-on stalker mode, informing them that he’ll be watching their every move, breath and step. And not just occasionally, either, but every single day.
Emotional blackmail
Emotional blackmail is the act of using a person’s feelings of kindness, sympathy, or duty in order to persuade them to do something or feel something, and it has cropped up in a number of songs over the years.
Without You, originally by the group Badfinger, and later covered by both Harry Nilsson and Mariah Carey, suggests that “it’s only fair” to let their departing lover know what they “should know” – which is that they’ll be unable to go on living if they follow through on their desire to leave the relationship.
LeAnn Rimes goes down a similar route with her 1997 hit How Do I Live?, where she tells her “baby” that they are “everything good” in her life, and that (I guess logically) their exit would leave her unable to survive.
To end on a lighter note, a year later, with tongue firmly in cheek, The Tamperer (featuring Maya) took the manipulation angle to the extreme by singing over and over that “if you buy this record your life will be better, your life will be better, your life will be better”. Note: I didn’t buy it, so can’t comment, but maybe if I had, I’d be writing this from my private beach in the Maldives.
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Glenn Fosbraey does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.
