Posted by 
A few months ago, a video of a woman trended online where she showed her journey of falling in love and moving to another state to live with her boyfriend of three years. She sacrificed her career and community to build a future with her partner. Unfortunately, he broke up with her shortly after they moved, leaving her heartbroken and disillusioned. The video incited varied commentary from some women who warned others to never give a man such power over them. Others blamed her for trusting a man fully. I understood how the man’s actions as well as the entire situation struck a chord of anger in the commentators. It was relatable, after all, who hadn’t given up something they loved to build a future with their partner? Despite this, I found the reactions unsettling because not only did they underpin the idea that her partner’s treatment was her fault, but they also highlighted an angle to the general online discourse on relationships that mocks women for their desire to be partnered.
I know the importance of emphasising the freedom of women to decide whether they want to partner up or not. Regardless, urging women to believe that disengaging from the emotional aspect of romantic relationships as an act of self-preservation to avoid self-sabotaging is worrying. I understand that historically, the system of patriarchy benefits from women idolising relationships and the men they are involved with. In many African cultures, marriage is considered the ultimate accomplishment for women and its relevance is propelled by the mental conditioning of women from their early childhoods. While I am not an advocate of women prioritising romantic relationships over all other pursuits, I find it extreme to deny ourselves of our desires because of the fear of mistreatment and hurt. The commentary this video spurred particularly irked me because it hinged on the belief that all men will deceive, cheat on, and abuse their partners. Although data shows that a significant number of men are unfaithful and abusive, I do not believe that all men are. The men in relationships in my circle of friends and family members are committed, respectful, and emotionally invested in their relationships. I choose to believe that when I do find my partner, he will be too.
I acknowledge how difficult it is for women to navigate relationships in this current era of situationships, friends with benefits, and other modern expressions of non-monogamy. Especially in a city like Lagos, a broken heart is a given and many of its residents walk around with unhealed wounds from past relationships as they hop from one situationship to the next. Also, the rise in transactional mindsets about romantic relationships is further destroying the cesspit of the dating scene in this city. People are dating with selfish self-absorbed mindsets and asking at every stage, “What’s in it for me?” The situation looks bleak for a reluctantly admitted lover girl like myself who is looking to build a genuine relationship founded on respect, mutual values, and love.
I do not believe that restraining or concealing our emotions will somehow protect women from getting hurt in relationships. Last year, my heart was broken when I was ghosted after a two-month relationship. My trust had been shattered and every day after it happened, I blamed myself for falling in love too quickly and for putting trust in a person who disappointed me. My heart pumped with rage for being deceived and dumped, my chest tight from crying every night. During this time, my loved ones poured love over me as I worked towards healing and recovery. On a call with my best friend G., I choked back tears as we recounted our heartbreak stories. I said to her, “We keep wasting our love on men who don’t deserve it”. As we comforted each other, I suddenly became aware of the truth we had failed to realise as we reflected on our broken relationships: The love we showed our exes had not been squandered; their lack of reciprocation only meant that the love had to be redirected. I remembered that we were products of love, an abundant force that would always search for a vessel to pour into. Love itself could never be exhausted, and so it was not a waste to have shown them our love. As bell hooks wrote in “All About Love,” “The light of love is always in us, no matter how cold the flame. It is always present, waiting for the spark to ignite, waiting for the heart to awaken.”
When the ghosting first happened, it was reasonable of me to think that I would never fall in love again. It made sense to put my guard up and find comfort in resisting and decentering romantic connections. It was easier even. As months passed, the pain in my heart slowly but surely eased. I began to rethink and re-evaluate my beliefs about relationships. Did one heartbreak mean that more would follow? Did meeting one liar mean that all men are liars? I realised that being in love and opening up emotionally is a risk I will take.
As a new relationship blossoms, there is always the possibility that the commitment and emotional involvement shared by one partner may not be reciprocated by the other. This is part of what makes many of us apprehensive about dating someone new. However, why not look at the flip side of this? What if the love that we have always yearned for is on the other side of our sealed hearts? What if we fall in love for the final time? What if we are forever changed by it? Loving someone is difficult, awkward, and destabilising. Yet, in all of this lies its beauty.
***
Feature Image by Shvetsa for Pexels
The post Mayowa Fagbure: Heartbreaks Won’t Steal My Belief in Love appeared first on BellaNaija – Showcasing Africa to the world. Read today!.
