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When you meet The One, you’ll just know. I’ve heard many variations of this phrase over the years. People talk about meeting their “person,” “twin flame,” “soulmate.” The daydream goes like this: one day, I’ll rock up to a pub in London, grab a gin and tonic, and have an epiphany-like moment and realise that my soulmate is sitting across from me. It sounds lovely, but sadly, it’s a fantasy. And believing in the fairytale of soulmates may actually stand in our way of finding a meaningful and fulfilling relationship.
Believing in soulmates isn’t a minority view. Around 49 percent of Brits and 60 percent of Americans believe in soulmates. What’s wrong with believing in soulmates, you might be wondering? These beliefs are all rooted in a sense of pre-destiny, that there’s a little bit of magic at play. In theory, it’s deeply romantic. In practice, hitching your wagon to the concept of a soulmate could be dooming your relationship from the get-go.
Bradley Onishi, an associate professor of religion at Skidmore College explains: “The soulmate myth promises that amidst the dizzying and often confusing landscape of dating apps there is one match out there that will make sense of it all. It promises an anchor to modern life that many find appealing.”
It’s lovely to imagine there’s a soulmate out there who you’re destined to be with and maybe marry and that this relationship will stand the test of time. In fact, when we’re in the trenches of terrible dates, it can be comforting to picture that there’s someone out there for us. “The soulmate myth is really good at taking all the bad first dates, the breakups, the dashed hopes and disappointments and putting them into a story that says ‘someday all of this will fall into place,’” says Onishi.
In reality, these kinds of beliefs do more harm than good when it comes to having long-lasting relationships.
Side note: the idea that there’ll be some kind of lightning bolt letting you know that your soulmate is sitting opposite you is sadly also a myth. Much like believing in soulmates, those who believe in the fairytale of love at first sight are in the majority. 61 percent of women and 72 percent of men believe in love at first sight, according to Elite Singles.
In reality, only 11 percent of people experience love at first sight when they meet their partner, according to Logan Ury, behavioural scientist turned dating coach, and the author of How To Not Die Alone. And sadly, this experience isn’t actually love – it’s just a strong burst of physical attraction. So, in reality, you just really fancy them.
So, why exactly do people believe in soulmates? As psychologist Dr. Shauna Springer, author of Marriage, for Equals writes, “if we are convinced that we have met ‘the One soulmate’ that we were always destined to meet, whenever we discover that this person is not what we first imagined, our sense of disillusionment with them will be much greater and our hopes for the future of the relationship may be quickly squashed.”
Psychologists have identified two modes of thinking – called ‘implicit theories of relationships’ – which shape the way we begin and maintain relationships. If you have destiny beliefs, you believe that a relationship is either fatally meant to be, or it’s not. It’s written in the stars and out of your control. Whereas if you believe that good relationships require work and communication, and that problems can be worked through, then you have growth beliefs.
Subscribing to the very appealing, but sadly fictional myth of love at first sight falls into the destiny belief camp. “Believing in love at first sight, or the idea that you can fall in love instantly when you see someone for the very first time and again, is a form of destiny belief. And destiny beliefs have a negative impact on relationships,” social psychologist Professor Viren Swami told me.
“There is a whole body of research which shows that people who hold those kinds of destiny beliefs have more difficulty forming relationships, primarily because they’re much more likely to be disappointed at the start of the relationship compared to those who don’t hold those beliefs.”
So, what’s wrong with having destiny beliefs? Destiny beliefs aren’t just detrimental to relationships, they can also put us in danger, causing people to stay in abusive and violent relationships because of the belief that they’re destined to stay together.
Renae Franiuk, of Aurora University, Illinois, researched implicit theories and relationship satisfaction and longevity and found that “the longer destiny theorists stayed in relationships with someone who is not the right person, the more they reported violence.”
“They downplay problematic relationships,” Franiuk added. “They might give someone a longer chance than other people might. Some might see warning signs early and end the rela- tionships, but there will be some who don’t believe they are in a relationship with the right person but for economic reasons they remain and their personality traits make them more forgiving, which puts them in dangerous situations.”
If you’ve spent much of your life believing in soulmates, fret not. We’re not silly for believing in a bit of romance — especially faced with the decidedly unromantic state of dating today. Zero judgement here. But, the important takeaway is that growth beliefs — the idea that a good relationship isn’t predestined, but instead requires continual work — will result in more fulfilling, healthier, happier relationships. And added bonus: if you believe in “sexual growth beliefs” — that good sex takes work, then you’ll also end up more satisfied in your relationship, according to research.
So, next time you find yourself wondering if someone is your soulmate, check yourself. If you leave a date disappointed that cupid didn’t hit you with a bow that made you fall in love at first sight, don’t worry. Long-lasting relationships take work, partnership requires effort, communication, learning and listening. Believe in growth, not the fantasy of destiny.
The Love Fix: Reclaiming Intimacy in a Disconnected World by Rachel Thompson, published by Square Peg, is out on January 30.
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