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To disagree is an inescapable part of being human. We simply are not all the same. But whereas a small disagreement may remain amiable, particularly over text or online where we can edit our responses, a face-to-face row over a sensitive topic can develop into a more antagonistic form of argument.
You may have experienced this over the recent festive season, when many of us spend more time in close contact with our relatives than usual. This can sometimes bring simmering tensions to the surface.
An argument can start over a lot of things, from politics to each other’s behaviour – something anyone who spends much time on social media will be familiar with. But the stronger the view, the more intense and complex an argument can become.
So, what can you do to avoid a minor argument becoming a major row – whether online or face-to-face? As an expert in social interactions, I think paying attention to what someone says – and how they say it – is crucial, along with learning how to avoid responding in ways that might blow up in your face.
Remember, disagreements are a normal part of life and relationships. But here are three key tips for how to avoid them escalating into something more serious.
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1. Manage escalation
If you disagree with someone, stay in the conversation in a productive way by avoiding using direct insults. Also, take care to avoid actions that may put the other person on the back foot, such as accusing, complaining or mocking them.
We tend to put a lot of emphasis on the content of an argument, and also on our assumptions about what the other person “really thinks”. What is the argument about? Is it just a misunderstanding – or is it a matter of personality, where one party is biased or has some ulterior motive?
We care very much whether the person actually believes what they are saying. Research suggests we often resent people playing “devil’s advocate” outside of certain settings.
But you cannot truly know someone’s intentions, so it’s a good idea to avoid thinking the worst about the person you are arguing with. Otherwise, you might unfairly talk to them as if they’re being manipulative, unfair, damaging or thoughtless.
2. Be open-minded
Sometimes, what someone has said may sound (and feel) pretty awful. When this happens, keep two things in mind.
First, nothing we say has just one meaning. There are often multiple interpretations, and you cannot always trust the first one that leaps to mind when you’re in the heat of the moment.
During an argument, it’s worth slowing down and thinking through all possible interpretations. Consider asking for a moment to think, or getting a cup of tea to distract both of you from an escalation.
Second, if what the person is saying still sounds negative no matter how charitable you try to be, ask them to explain more. This may not be easy to do, but people will often reveal what they meant if they have to elaborate. And helping them feel as if they are being carefully listened to might defuse a possible escalation.
3. Stay on track
There is another side to this coin: choosing carefully what you say, and keeping in mind how you will come across. Anyone can get caught up in an argument and say something they regret, including you.
Something to balance carefully is “going meta” – pausing to talk about the argument you’re having and the way you’re having it. This can be productive if, for instance, you ask to keep the conversation focused on something specific. However, it can easily come across as an implicit criticism of the other person.
If you do choose to discuss the quarrel you’re having, you may have to include an apology or speak in a quieter tone to keep the other person from thinking you are going to accuse them of arguing “wrongly” in some way. It’s challenging, so don’t feel bad if you don’t get it right the first time you try this technique.
Do we have the same values?
People don’t just argue for the sake of arguing. One of the main reasons for engaging in an argument is to position ourselves in relation to other people. Are we on the same side, and do we have the same values?
Arguments are also tied to identity. The most contentious arguments generate strong feelings. We’re aware that we might be judged for our opinions, and others will assume that we might judge them in return.
Mutual judgment can easily escalate not just during a disagreement but in the relationship as a whole, causing a temporary falling-out or even loss of friendship. People who want to avoid this often assume the answer is to simply put their feelings aside and “focus on facts”.
But denying an emotional response might feel like denying one’s commitment to a valued cause. Recognising that someone feels this way is an important step to knowing what you might be able to change their mind about – and what is best left alone, at least for now.
Jessica Robles does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.
