‘I Was Made to Feel Like a Nuisance’: How Death Admin Becomes A Second Trauma For Grieving Families

Losing a loved one is something we all will experience at some point – and unfortunately, no prior loss can prepare us for the ones that lie ahead and the world-shattering emotions that come with them.

For those of us who have to face the financial admin that’s left behind when somebody dies, there is a compounded grief as we try to navigate the institutions and paperwork that are an essential part of death admin.

In fact, in Octopus Legacy’s Human Cost of Dying report, families rank financial institutions among the least helpful when dealing with a loved one’s death.

These findings reflect the stories of people like Rosie and Lucy, who have faced overwhelming hurdles in the wake of their loved ones’ passing.

HuffPost UK spoke with Rosie and Lucie about the traumatic obstacles they faced following their losses – and what needs to change. 

Rosie’s mother dying left her with an unmanageable amount of admin

Rosie lives in Edinburgh with her husband and three children.

Back in 2003, Rosie’s mother came to live with the family. But sadly in 2009 she suffered from a ruptured aortic aneurysm, was rushed to hospital and placed in the high-dependency unit. 

Speaking with HuffPost UK, Rosie explains how her mother’s health deteriorated over time: “She was non-responsive for a couple of weeks – and as she woke up, it became evident that something wasn’t right.

“She had suffered a stroke during the operation and was eventually transferred to a hospital which supported stroke rehabilitation. From there, she was eventually well enough to come home.”

Unfortunately, their family’s peace didn’t last long.

“A few months later, as I was coming home from a run, I saw my mum waving at me from a bedroom window. I then watched her fall,” says Rosie.

“I ran home and found that she had suffered another stroke – we returned her to the local stroke unit, and then back to the rehabilitation hospital. This time, she wasn’t in for stroke rehabilitation but in a geriatric ward. She never left.”

The family experienced a prolonged period of grief prior to her passing

Rosie admits: “For me the grieving process was initiated in 2009 when she first went into emergency surgery. This was a long, tortured process of gradually watching my mother losing herself.

“My mother had been a force of nature, immensely practical and sensible. If there was a problem, my mother would find a way to resolve it.

“There were moments, during her rehabilitation when her very strong sense of humour would peep through. She would have a twinkle in her eyes watching the banter between staff on the ward. She would beam at me or my children when we came to visit – and pat our hands.”

But mostly, as she watched her mum deteriorate, she grieved.

“When my mum died it was a release. For her – and for all of us. We could actually say goodbye,” says Rosie.

Thankfully, the funeral went smoothly. Rosie and her family shared stories of her mother and bonded with others over their stories.

But the financial admin following the funeral was when the problems started

Rosie is self-employed and offered to work on the financial side of her mother’s estate on behalf of her siblings for an agreed fee. However, it wasn’t as simple as she had expected it to be.

“My mother had 13 ISAs with different institutions,” Rosie says.

“When my father died, my mother had become really interested in money management. She had invested in the stock market and had also taken advantage of great rates each year for her TESSA (tax exempt special savings scheme) and ISA allowance.

“I discovered that each bank had different requirements in order to close the accounts. Some required a death certificate certified in a branch. Some required a death certificate certified by a lawyer. Some required correspondence just from me. Some required correspondence from all three siblings. No two of the financial institutions I approached required the same process.

“The details are woolly now – but I remember sending endless letters / forms to my siblings for them to sign and return.”

The admin put a strain on Rosie’s relationship with her siblings

For Rosie, it seemed bizarre that there wasn’t a standard process that institutions used.

“Had I known at the outset, I would not have proposed to complete this work, particularly given the fact that my mother had died in Scotland, but her will was drawn up in England,” she says. 

The siblings ended up needing to engage a legal firm to complete the work anyway.

“The whole process was time consuming, resulting in me spending far longer on the process than I had anticipated. Rather than supporting each other in a period of loss, we were really discussing who wanted a footstool, a salad bowl – or who had signed what form,” she says. 

“The length of the process created friction between me and my siblings to the point that we had periods of not speaking following this time.”

One silver lining during this dark time was that Rosie’s mother had already been through the process of settling an estate when her husband died in 1993.

“As a very practical person, she had written a list every year, of all her assets and where they were. That was invaluable,” says Rosie. 

“My mother had also taken the precaution to open joint accounts with each of us, so that we would be able to access funds in the event of her death.”

The admin following the loss of her husband put Lucie’s life on hold for years

After losing her husband during the pandemic, Lucie encountered administrative hurdles that sent her back to when she lost her husband.

Between receiving questions from pension providers like “could you have saved your husband?” and having bailiffs sent to her property, Lucie spent the next two years battling against a range of institutions.

Her life was on pause, and she was forced to relive the trauma of finding her husband dead every single time.

Speaking with HuffPost UK, Lucie says that young widowers face a wealth of obstacles that leave them unable to process their grief: “There are very few widows, particularly young widows, who can leave the financials to sort themselves out.

“Mostly, we really need that cash to keep going and enable at least a sense of stability at a time which is so destabilising. Having to relive your trauma, deal with what seems so trivial (yet unfortunately vital) takes strength and clarity which is so challenging to achieve at this time.

“Instead of focusing on self or family, one has to really focus on getting through a challenging process which means setting aside the grieving process – which, in my view, prolongs the process.”

Financial institutions left Lucie feeling overwhelmed and frustrated

If Lucie could suggest anything to organisations that frequently speak with grieving families, it’s better training. She urges: “Have specifically trained teams with appropriate scripts and understanding of the challenges.

“Additionally, ensure that customers are regularly reminded to provide statements of wishes, emergency contacts, nominated representatives who can deal with financials in the event of death or critical illness.”

She also believes that empathy can go a long way 

Following a loss, particularly the loss of somebody very close to you, the world can feel like such a strange place – like you are the walking wounded and nobody quite understands the particular pain that you are feeling.

This is compounded by a lack of empathy in institutions that aren’t suitably prepared to work with people going through something so life-altering.

Lucie admits: “I was made to feel like a nuisance. So many inappropriate questions about the nature and circumstances of my husband’s death, none of which were relevant.

“Because I was pushing hard for resolution, I was made to feel like I was in the wrong and almost not grieving enough. It was a genuinely awful process.”

Lucie shares a warning to couples and families

Some of this is still unavoidable for families in the wake of a death, but Lucie believes preparation is essential.

She advises: “Agree on where you will store passwords. Communicate well about what financial products you have and where the information is.

“Draft a will. Complete your expression of wishes and update them regularly. Get comfortable talking about money and death.

“My biggest reflection is that these were not conversations we had; I had no idea where my husband’s paperwork was and most of it was on his laptop, the password of which I did not know… Share this stuff!”