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Paul Dallison writes Declassified, a weekly satirical column.
Perhaps the easiest way to limit the damage caused by Joe Biden is to play the music from classic TV comedy “Curb Your Enthusiasm” after every public pronouncement.
Biden, as you will by now be aware, mixed up Volodymyr Zelenskyy and Vladimir Putin at the NATO summit (and let’s be clear, Biden could have mixed up Zelenskyy with anyone else in the world — Liz Truss, Darth Vader, the wolf that killed Ursula von der Leyen’s pet pony — and it would have been less embarrassing).
But if Biden had simply turned to camera, gave a knowing look, perhaps widened his eyes and arched his eyebrows before the “Curb” music kicked in, we might be talking about his comedy genius rather than wondering how on earth this man is going to stop Donald Trump — because if Trump is the lucid one, we’re all screwed.
The music from “Curb Your Enthusiasm” is actually a piece called “Frolic” by Luciano Michelini, composed in 1974 for the film “La bellissima estate” (in English, “The Beautiful Summer”).
Michelini is, as you may have guessed from the name, Italian. And it’s another Italian who could be the person to save Biden and therefore the entire future of Western democracy, if that’s not hyperbole (which it definitely isn’t) … Giorgia Meloni.
The Italian prime minister has quickly become perhaps the world’s leading exponent of the dramatic eye-roll.
We saw a classic of the genre this week at the NATO summit in which Meloni — waiting for, you’ve guessed it, Biden — gave a ludicrously exaggerated eye-roll before pretending to check a watch she wasn’t wearing. She then makes the kind of expression you’d usually reserve for the moment when you’re at a Belgian festival and discover that instead of simply paying for things in cash, you need to queue to buy tokens that can be exchanged for drinks and also queue separately to buy tokens that can be exchanged for food.
So why don’t we simply combine the talents (and I use that word both advisedly and incorrectly) of Biden and Meloni and have her stand next to him during all public events?
Haters might describe this suggestion as scraping the bottom of the barrel. But with the survival of the free world at stake, I ask you to bear with me: this way, when Biden confuses Kamala Harris and Donald Trump — as also happened at NATO — then she can immediately swoop in with a massive eye-roll and everyone will be too busy laughing to realize the awfulness of what’s going on.
It would be a two-way street. If, for example, Meloni was about to further tighten immigration rules or appoint fans of the Mussolini family to her government, then Biden could cut through the tension by, say, mixing up Emmanuel Macron and François Mitterrand!
Everyone’s a winner (and by winner, I mean loser).
