The Funniest Tweets From Women This Week (Aug. 17-23)

the amount of scrolling I gotta do to find my birth year for online forms is becoming quite hurtful

— Brandy Jensen (@BrandyLJensen) August 19, 2024

unfortunately i am not demure or mindful i am loud and stupid

— trash jones (@jzux) August 18, 2024

me: hi do you take walk-ins?

groundskeeper at the cemetery: what?

— kim (@KimmyMonte) August 19, 2024

i get so flattered when butterflies or bees buzz around me like oops sorry ladies im not a flower hehe but its so sweet that you thought i was

— 6len ʚїɞ (@6len0022) August 20, 2024

Flight attendant talking about sorry to wake you, I look up everybody off the plane LMFAOOOOO

— elton jawn (@catastrophicbee) August 20, 2024

I may be a devoted wife, loving daughter, etc but first and foremost I am a pedestrian. and I have the right of way

— christinita (@majordouzie) August 19, 2024

I got my IUD replaced today and the doctor asked if I wanted to listen to music during the procedure. I sheepishly asked if they could play Taylor Swift, and she said everyone asks for Taylor Swift.

— ella dawson (@brosandprose) August 19, 2024

i hate those clocks where the second hand just smoothly zooms around. you should be pausing solemnly before every passing tick. this should matter to you

— Beth McColl (@imbethmccoll) August 22, 2024

at pilates the teacher asked if anyone had any injuries and this lady went “i got stung by a bee” and she was serious

— sarah hagi (@KindaHagi) August 22, 2024

born too late to be able to purchase a home off my 9 to 5 salary, born too early to cash out off of 15 minutes of tiktok fame, born at just the right time to receive 30 class action settlement payments of $20 – $300

— ૮ ˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶ ა (@CBD42O) August 20, 2024

I think if Kamala Harris is elected Doug Emhoff’s title should be First Doug and all subsequent husbands of Presidents should also be First Dougs

— Anna (@DistractedAnna) August 18, 2024

I don't use headphones when I'm walking my dog because it feels rude. what if he wants to chat

— hannah louise (@hannahlouisef) August 22, 2024

If you’re trying to impress me with your vehicle it better be a food truck.

— One Ordinary Girl (@audri_em) August 19, 2024

J. Lo has to date Pete Davidson now. It's the only way.

— Rohita Kadambi (@RohitaKadambi) August 21, 2024

Lady behind me on this @delta flight is complaining to the stewardess because they made her check her bag and there’s a ton of room.

Her husband to the stewardess: “you know she went to college with the CEO of Delta”

Stewardess: “You should have kept in touch.”

💀

— Melissa Perri (@lissijean) August 19, 2024

reading a series of unfortunate events as a little girl made me think i’d encounter a lot more anagrams than i have….nobody wants to rearrange words to conceal true names, sinister messages, and secret locations these days 🙄🙄🙄

— Meg (@megannn_lynne) August 20, 2024

Normalize taking men on Escape Room dates. Let him showcase his leadership and critical thinking skills up front.

— nina. (@ninadelaflores) August 18, 2024

Nobody understands the bond between a girl and the mediocre book she read when she was 13 years old.

— ♡ nova ♡ (@notagurly) August 20, 2024

unstoppable force (love is blind experiment) meets immovable object (the uk’s accent-based class system)

— Alison Herman (@aherman2006) August 19, 2024

she was a brat, he was demure, can i make it anymore obvious

— Daisy Jones (@daisythejones) August 19, 2024

Feel like we don't call people "bozos" enough anymore, in spite of the fact that we live in a time with a true abundance of bozos

— Julia Claire (@ohJuliatweets) August 19, 2024

Things that feel soooo good after 2 vodka sodas:
1) reacting to everyone’s Instagram stories
2) gossiping
3) singing Whitney Houston I Wanna Dance With Somebody
4) cheese fries
5) using Hinge

Things that feel sooooo bad after 2 vodka sodas:
1) bras
2) self-restraint

— Meg (@megannn_lynne) August 19, 2024

Is a requirement for all Trader Joe’s locations is that the parking lot must be small and difficult to maneuver in?

— chefadyre (@adyreisms) August 18, 2024

I’m going on a work trip for a few days — but my husband has just suspiciously bought himself 3 bunt cakes in various flavors and isn’t mentioning it at all.

chat, i am full of concern

— Sarah (@heyaimsarah) August 19, 2024

Me listening to my family judging people for things that i would do also: pic.twitter.com/9MsMmgKAUv

— Jenni (@hashjenni) August 19, 2024

when a stranger on the train says to you “is this the train to _______” and you say “i hope so” and then you both laugh 👍👍👍👍👍👍 peak life moment

— Abi Slade (@abi_slade) August 18, 2024

the afterglow of watching mamma mia last night. Wow. what a film. We need to go to greece. do you think donna was compensating those workers fairly for their labour ? Is she a citizen—how did she obtain a mortgage

— roro, PhD (@fuglibetty) August 20, 2024

Every young woman should watch SATC before their frontal lobe is fully developed and then after. This will actually be a mandatory law once I’m president of the United States.

— fragrance and foolishness (@Brieyonce) August 21, 2024

Are Jennifer Garner and Jennifer Lopez Ben Affleck’s Tammy 1 & Tammy 2?

— Ashley C. Ford (@iSmashFizzle) August 21, 2024

i love asking 7 different ppl for advice then doing what i want

— jynx (@jynxbby) August 21, 2024

we've totally lost the meaning of the word "elope" because what do you mean your family was there?

— LAUREN ASH (@laurenashastro) August 21, 2024

straight girl just said her short (5’5”) boyfriend was “down to earth” and got upset when i said “oh I’m sure”

— arp (@frootifan1989) August 20, 2024

can i come over and look at all your things and objects

— sarah (@sandwichlover7) August 18, 2024