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The holiday season often conjures images of warmth, connection and celebration, especially for young people returning to the family home. This can be complicated if you are LGBTQ+, transgender or gender non-conforming.
Family members may hold certain religious, cultural or political beliefs that do not accept your identity. But even well-meaning family may struggle to adjust to calling you by a name or pronouns that differ from how they have known you previously.
Navigating family gatherings requires a delicate balance between vulnerability and self-preservation. By deciding how to present yourself, establishing boundaries, leaning on a support network and creating space for joy, you can approach the season in ways that honour your authentic self.
No one’s 20s and 30s look the same. You might be saving for a mortgage or just struggling to pay rent. You could be swiping dating apps, or trying to understand childcare. No matter your current challenges, our Quarter Life series has articles to share in the group chat, or just to remind you that you’re not alone.
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What you should know about coming out as LGBTQ+ in your 20s and 30s
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Expressing your gender identity during the holidays is a deeply personal decision. For some, sharing your new name or pronouns with family may feel liberating and empowering. Research underscores the importance of being addressed correctly. Several studies link the use of someone’s affirmed (or chosen) name to significantly lower rates of depression and suicidal thoughts.
However, introducing your name and pronouns may also carry risks, particularly in unsupportive environments. Family rejection has been shown to be a major predictor of adverse mental health, including anxiety and low self-esteem.
A proactive approach — informing trusted family members ahead of time — can pave the way for smoother interactions. Giving relatives time to practice your name and pronouns demonstrates thoughtfulness and creates space for understanding.
If you are anticipating negative reactions, temporarily using a previous name or pronouns may feel like the safest option. This strategy prioritises immediate wellbeing, but does not diminish the validity of your identity.
Find support
Having a reliable support system during gatherings can be invaluable. Studies show that supportive relationships can provide a protective buffer in mitigating mental health risks.
Identifying a trusted ally within the gathering, such as a sibling or friend, can ease moments of tension. Allies can correct misgendering, redirect difficult conversations or simply provide an anchor during stressful interactions.
Developing a signal or code word with this person could offer additional security. For example, a simple cue can indicate when you need assistance or wish to step away from a conversation.
If an in-person ally is unavailable, turning to online communities or LGBTQ+ organisations for support, connection and affirmation is another option. Organisations like The Trevor Project, Stonewall UK and TransUnite offer tailored resources for LGBTQ+ people navigating family dynamics.
Protect yourself
Misgendering, or being addressed by a previous name (deadnaming), can be especially hurtful. Research shows that persistent misgendering contributes to feelings of alienation and can exacerbate mental health challenges, including anxiety and depression.
For family members unfamiliar with gender-diverse identities, missteps may occur. While intentional and repeated misgendering should not be tolerated, some family members may require time to adjust. Educating loved ones about the impact of their words can foster understanding. Calmly correcting a mistake by saying, “Actually, I use [your pronouns] now,” can be a constructive response.
Setting clear boundaries is a powerful way to protect your emotional wellbeing during family gatherings. Research on families shows that setting boundaries can improve emotional resilience, reduce conflict and foster healthier interactions.
Preparing a mental list of acceptable and off-limits topics of conversation can prevent conversations from veering into uncomfortable territory. Simple phrases such as “I’d rather not talk about that right now,” can redirect the interaction without escalating tensions.
Having an exit strategy can also provide peace of mind. Whether it’s a planned early departure or a break in a quiet space, these moments of reprieve can prevent overwhelm and preserve your energy.
Look for joy
Amid the challenges, finding moments of joy and affirmation is vital. Spending time with supportive “chosen family” – friends and allies who accept and celebrate your identity – can provide a much-needed space of healing.
Research has found that chosen family plays a key role in fostering resilience in LGBTQ+ people, particularly during high-stress periods.
If family gatherings feel unsafe, consider alternative celebrations which can provide a sense of belonging. Attending LGBTQ+-affirming holiday events, hosting virtual gatherings or creating personal traditions can make the season more meaningful.
Ultimately, prioritising your safety and wellbeing is paramount. Whether embracing your identity fully, treading carefully or skipping family gatherings altogether, your decisions are valid. Remember, the holidays are not just about tradition — they are about fostering connection and finding moments of joy while affirming your authentic self.
Kayden J Schumacher does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.
