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The Christmas period isn’t just for presents, sparkling lights and too much festive food – it’s also prime time for couples to get engaged. And for heterosexual couples, this is likely to happen in a specific way. The man will do the asking.
Traditional views around marriage are changing. In 2021 in England and Wales, more babies were born to unmarried than married parents for the first time. And many women keep their own surname rather than changing it to their husband’s when they tie the knot. But wedding proposals are still considered a man’s job.
Nevertheless, some women do choose to propose to their male partner. In our research, we investigated their experiences, exploring their choice and looking to understand why so few women take this step. We interviewed 21 women who had proposed and studied social media conversations on the topic.
Of the 21 women we interviewed, the majority had a positive experience. One was rejected, and one realised her partner – who had said yes – was telling everyone that he had done the proposing.
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In this instance, the woman in our study proposed because her partner said he was a feminist and she thought he would appreciate her asking. But his reclaiming of the narrative exposed how uncomfortable he was with it, and the whole relationship fell apart.
Even if this account is not representative of the sample, it shows something relevant: women proposing are doing something extravagant, unusual, and while they might not be openly condemned, they are still breaking a taboo in contemporary wedding rituals.
While the women in our study received a lot of support from people they were close to, they all experienced some form of rejection or negative judgement. They were told that they were emasculating their male partners, or that they had spoiled the magic of a proposal.
One of the women in our study, Juliet, remembered her mother’s reaction:
“I called my mother immediately […] her first reaction was why can’t you wait for him? And I said why should I, why should I have to? She was like but I want you to have that moment.”
Juliet was surprised at this reaction – especially because her mother had been a punk when she was younger. Nevertheless, her mother expected Juliet to have a more conventional proposal, a fairytale moment like in the movies. Despite these expectations, Juliet did not feel she had to wait around, and she was proud of having taken the initiative.
Another participant, Rosa, told us about the pushback she received from her fiance’s family after she took the initiative and proposed:
“His parents, were like it’s very, it’s something that a man should do, like, you’re gonna make him feel less of a man, if that makes sense … They wanted us to be engaged, just not with me doing it.”
The scripts of proposals are hard to change. They remain untouched because they are understood as the only legitimate way of doing things by family and friends, and often are internalised as such by women themselves. Women who mess with the scripts are judged for “not doing things properly”.
New traditions
But our research also showed that not doing things properly was an opportunity for playfulness and fun. Rather than offering a traditional diamond ring, the women we spoke to used gifts that were inventive, inexpensive and adapted to the lifestyle of their partners. One woman told us:
“I baked him a pizza where I wrote “marry me”, because his favourite food is pizza, so I thought it would be very romantic to make him a proposal pizza […] I bought a ring, we do rock climbing together so I bought him a ring that is silicone, like a climbing ring.“
One woman proposed with an inflatable balloon shaped like a diamond ring, showing how women-led proposals can also parody the rigid script.
Most of the women in our sample did not know any other woman who proposed. They did know about leap years being an accepted opportunity for women wanting to propose. Popular culture also offers few examples, with women often citing established ones, such as Monica from Friends.
But this lack of role models is compensated for by networks of solidarity online. Both our interviews, and the social media platforms we looked into, indicate how women use digital spaces to share ideas, look for advice and give each other support. One person posted online:
“This post has shown me that it’s not weird or ‘wrong’ – it all depends on the couple and I know my bf will love it […] Thank-you so much for giving me the confidence to do this!”
Women often choose not to propose because they are caught in a double bind. Women are socialised into dreaming about getting married, with the proposal as the pinnacle of romance – but they are judged if they take the initiative. This reproduces the stereotype that women are “always ready” to settle down, while men are not, and this is why the male partner is expected to show commitment.
Women who propose are often driven by feelings of gender equality, but their efforts in changing the scripts often confirm the dominance of existing, sexist marriage rituals.
Daniela Pirani receives funding from University of Liverpool and British Academy.
Ratna Khanijou and Vera Hoelscher do not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article, and have disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.
