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Ryan Wellings has been jailed for more than six years after the death of his partner Kiena Dawes. Wellings was convicted of assault and coercive and controlling behaviour, having abused Dawes repeatedly throughout their relationship.
Dawes took her own life in July 2022 and squarely blamed Wellings’ abuse, leaving a suicide note that read: “I was murdered. Slowly … Ryan Wellings killed me.” Wellings was acquitted of manslaughter.
In the UK it is estimated that 1.6 million women aged 16 and over experienced domestic abuse last year. Yet when we hear horrific stories like Dawes’s, a common response is to ask, “Why would she stay with him?” This attitude perpetuates misconceptions about abuse, and misses the reality that anyone can become a victim.
Abuse often escalates over time, meaning that what looks like a loving relationship initially may become violent or controlling.
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In the 1970s, psychologist Lenore Walker’s book The Battered Woman Syndrome proposed a theory that abuse in intimate relationships often occurs in a cycle, consisting of three main phases.
The first, tension building, is when the perpetrator indicates signs of anger or frustration and can last from minutes to months. It usually escalates until it shifts into the second phase (explosion), when there is physical or sexual violence.
After the event, the perpetrator may feel some remorse or guilt at the violence. Here they may enter the honeymoon phase, when the perpetrator apologises and promises that it will never happen again. The cycle is repeated, often becoming quicker (the honeymoon phase becomes shorter).
This explanation can be overly simplistic and is not consistent with all survivors’ experiences. But it can be helpful to understand how abuse can change over time.
As a probation officer, I worked with a woman who was severely abused by her long-term partner. Convinced that if she left him, he would kill her, she developed coping strategies based on the cycle of abuse. As the tension-building phase intensified, she became adept at recognising when the risk he posed became life-threatening.
To avoid an explosion (and serious harm to herself) she would deliberately shoplift in front of security guards. Her criminal record and reputation was so well established that she was banned from most shops in her area.
Once in court, she would plead for a custodial sentence. This would offer her some safety and “time out” from the abuse, but it also gave her partner time to reflect. At the time of her release, he would be sufficiently remorseful and the honeymoon period would start again.
Control and isolation
Like most intimate connections, abusive relationships typically start filled with romance, excitement and lust. In these early periods, perpetrators can be “over the top” with excessive communication and extreme flattery, even showering their partner with unnecessary gifts.
This “love bombing” is often accompanied with early and intense conversations about a future together, as exhibited by Wellings who had Kiena Dawes’s name and face tattooed on his body within only days of meeting.
Physical abuse typically comes later, sometimes triggered by life events such as marriage, pregnancy or childbirth. Usually, elements of control seep into the relationship as the couple becomes more established. These acts are discrete and difficult for the survivor, friends, family and professionals to recognise.
Abusers may persuade their partner to stay in to watch a film or have a romantic meal at home, rather than going out to meet friends or family. When a night out is organised, the perpetrator might invite themselves or turn up unexpectedly to social events.
This isolation is part of a perpetrator’s wider intention to control their partner. With no one to speak to and nothing to measure their relationship against, it becomes more difficult for survivors to recognise their relationship as abusive. Instead, they may doubt themselves and their perceptions.
Even if they do recognise their relationship as abusive, the lack of contact with others makes it more difficult to reach out for help. Survivors feel trapped, having no choice but to stay.
Over time, the control escalates and becomes more overt, often hiding in plain sight. As a probation officer, I once worked with a perpetrator who, on his wedding night, took the hotel towel and used it to strangle his new wife.
Thereafter when they had guests, he would purposefully place a towel over a chair – signalling to his partner that her friends needed to leave, or that she had crossed an invisible line and she would pay for it later.
The symbolism of this simple act would likely be missed by those around the couple, but would serve as a warning to the survivor of the abuse that was to come. As the evening continued, the tension would build alongside her crippling fear.
This kind of control can also occur when someone experiencing abuse is out in public or with friends. As I have found in my research, smartphones have given abusers more tools to control their victims, creating a panopticon effect, where victims feel surveilled and watched by their partners 24/7.
Read more: Even before deepfakes, tech was a tool of abuse and control
Breaking the cycle
As Kiena Dawes’ story shows, there is no easy way to break this cycle. Research has shown that leaving an abusive relationship can be dangerous for women, as abuse typically continues post-separation.
The number of suicides linked with domestic abuse has risen steadily in recent years. There are currently more domestic abuse related deaths linked to suicide than homicide between partners. Between 2019 and 2022, 30% of suspected suicides in Kent and Medway identified domestic abuse as a factor.
The last government took important steps to recognise that abusive relationships can and do result in survivors taking their own lives, replacing the term “domestic homicide” with “fatal domestic abuse” in law.
Yet misunderstandings, particularly about why people stay with their abusers, persist. When faced with women who are experiencing abuse, the question should not be why do they stay, but what is stopping them from leaving – and how do we remove those barriers?
If you or someone you know is affected by abuse, the National Domestic Abuse Helpline is 0808 2000 247, and other resources are available.
Tirion E. Havard does not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.
