I Just Learned How Platypuses Feed Their Babies Milk, And Wow, Nature Sure Got Creative

You might know that alligator penises are always erect (and if you didn’t, I’m sorry for ruining your day). 

You could even have been aware of the horror show that happens when a honey bee dies.

But what about platypuses? Surely the weirdness of the animal stops with their duck-billed, beaver-tailed, duck-footed, somehow-still-mammalian form?

Oh, I wish, friend. Because I just learned how they feed milk to their kids (yep, milk for an animal that starts out in an egg ― what a time); and I can’t stop the horror of the knowledge from creeping in.

How do they do it?

Platypuses sweat the milk. 

They sweat the milk. 

To be more specific, the American Museum of Natural History (AMNH) writes that “the platypus [has] no nipples.”

So, “Their milk oozes out of mammary gland ducts and collects in grooves on their skin ― where the nursing babies lap it up or suck it from tufts of fur.” 

Fine, it’s not technically sweating it out. But still, they excrete it from glands (like sweat), it gathers on their skin (like sweat), and then runs off their body in rivulets (you know what I’m gonna say). 

Platypuses usually only lay two eggs at a time, so it’s not like there’s a lot of little anatomical anomalies lapping at her fur for nourishment. 

In case you think that’s a brief reprieve for your sanity, though, the AMNH has more news.

“Platypus babies cut their way out of the egg using a sharp ‘egg tooth’ ― a horny spike on the nose that is made of keratin, the same material as fingernails, that later falls off,” their site reveals (oh, good). 

Never mind all that, why aren’t you calling them “platypi?” 

Those of you who love language might have read all that thinking, “the milk thing isn’t as weird as you calling them platypuses.” 

But per the Australian Platypus Conservatory, “Because the word ‘platypus’ is derived from Greek words [meaning ‘flat foot’], its plural should (strictly speaking) be ‘platypodes.’”

“However, this has never caught on for some reason (we can’t imagine why not),” they joke.

Instead, the term most dictionaries use is either “platypuses” or just “platypus” (a bit like how “buffalo” is the plural of “buffalo”).

Either way, “platypi,” which would befit a word of Latin origin, is “definitely incorrect.” 

If there’s one thing that animal loves to do, it’s confuse us all…