The right (and wrong) way to gossip with your neighbors

When Gaby Lieberman moved in with her boyfriend Elvin Pavlenko, she didn’t think she’d be so closely scrutinized by their neighbors. But from the start, she was fighting an uphill battle: Pavlenko spent his entire life on the same block in Teaneck, New Jersey; when he moved out of his childhood home, he landed…across the street, in an apartment complex where he and Lieberman lived. In other words, the neighbors had watched him grow up. “These people knew him, knew his whole story,” Lieberman tells Vox. “They had seen him in diapers all the way to a grown 30-year-old man.” And the community was protective of Pavlenko and suspicious of outsiders.

So when Pavlenko’s former schoolmate spotted Lieberman reaching into an unfamiliar car to give a man who decidedly was not Pavlenko a hug and a kiss, alarm bells went off. The neighbor, who had a reputation for being gossipy, flagged Pavlenko down in the laundromat to spill the tea. Over dinner a few days later, Pavlenko confronted Lieberman: This guy I know saw you kissing an older man with a beard. Are you cheating on me? “And I was like, what? You mean my dad?” she says.

Neighbor relationships have the potential to be either fruitful or fraught. They sit at a unique intersection of intimacy and distance: You may be geographically close to them, but they aren’t owed the same sort of emotional vulnerability as family or friends. The couple next door or the folks down the street might carry institutional knowledge of the building or neighborhood; they can help you out in a pinch and can be a pleasant source of social interaction. They can also be a little nosy, standoffish to newcomers, and, at worst, harbor biases, upping the chances for years of awkward or contentious run-ins.

It’s well established that gossip facilitates social connection and swapping stories with a neighbor can be super beneficial in spurring collective action in your community. That’s because gossip helps you make sense of the social world, according to Francesca Giardini, an associate professor of sociology at the University of Groningen. The people living around you can help you determine the cultural norms and expectations of the neighborhood.

This exchange of information can be helpful when you’re new to the community and want to get the lay of the land, but there’s a line between useful intel and harmful judgments. The secret to effective gossip, experts say, is to be fully aware of the consequences and to know when to stop.

Clarify your goals for the conversation

Because you likely don’t have a prior relationship with the people you live around, and therefore no shared history, interests, or social circle to draw from, the content of your initial conversations will likely center on specific topics, like recommendations (Do you have a Chinese takeout spot you like?), safety (How do you deal with stolen packages?), and community norms (Can I park there?). But that can give way to gossip: That person’s selling their house, I haven’t seen so-and-so in a while. “When we’re gossiping, first and foremost, we might be signaling something about a shared understanding of these community norms or rules,” Meltem Yucel, an assistant professor of psychology at Michigan State University, tells Vox. “It signals to the listener that we… [care] about these rules.”

Because community gossip is so heavily focused on shared values and conventions, opting out can subtly signal you don’t respect the social network. “I think the one thing you don’t want to do is be the holier-than-thou person [who] says, ‘I’m not going to participate in this. I’m not a gossip. I never gossip,’” Frank McAndrew, a professor emeritus of psychology at Knox College, tells Vox. “First of all, if the only person you’re willing to talk about is yourself, everybody’s going to think you’re pretty boring. But secondly, what you’re really saying to people in that situation is ‘I don’t trust you. I don’t want to be part of your network,’ and you’re not going to win any popularity contest by doing that.” But, McAndrew continues, you need to be discerning with what you choose to share.

So, when you’re gossiping, first consider the purpose of the conversation. Are you curious about the welfare of another neighbor? Do you want to vent about a neighbor’s annoying penchant for not picking up after their dog? What you choose to discuss should ultimately be useful to someone besides you. “If you’re planning to do construction, you’re having a big party… something that might impact their lives, then sharing this information with them might be something that would be good for your relationship with them,” Yucel says. These scenarios are generally constructive, informative, and reinforce the norms of the neighborhood. Even if you’re talking about the lazy dog owner behind their back, you’re sending a clear signal to your conversation partner that behavior isn’t acceptable. It’s a way of bonding, too, Yucel says.

But if you’re gossiping simply to cast judgments on a person or behavior that has little impact on your life, no one benefits, McAndrew says. This mean-spirited chit-chat can stem from racist or classist biases, he also pointed out. Before you start complaining about someone else, reflect on what exactly bothers you about, say, the appearance of their home, the number of people who live there, or what they spend their time and money on. “What you want to do is really examine your motives,” McAndrew says. “‘What makes me think there’s something wrong here?’ And if you’re being honest with yourself and you find out it’s really nothing more than a stereotype that you might have, then maybe you should keep your mouth shut until you know more.”

When you’re on the receiving end of gossip, try to determine the other person’s motives, too. Are they disclosing useful information that directly impacts you, or are they tarnishing someone’s reputation? Is it something they’ve observed directly or are they relaying secondhand (or thirdhand) intel? And do you agree with what they’re saying?

Weigh the consequences

As you continue to engage in gossip beyond the initial exchange of information, consider how the person on the receiving end might see you. “If the audience believes that the gossiper is motivated by self-interest or a desire to harm the person they are talking about, then they will be evaluated negatively,” Kim Peters, a social and organizational psychologist at the University of Exeter, tells Vox in an email.

Similarly, think about the repercussions should this information trickle out to the wider community or get attributed to you. If someone confides in you, don’t share what they said without permission. But discussing something everyone can observe — a neighbor’s new car — is fair game, as long as you refrain from passing judgment on what they choose to spend money on.

As with any conversation, avoid gossiping negatively in public places — especially online. “In general, it’s always good to assume that what you said could be retold,” Yucel says. Stick to what you have observed and personally know to be true, avoid saying anything mean-spirited, and don’t put anything in writing you’d be embarrassed to see reposted or shared.

Part of this mental math has to do with the people you’re gossiping with. You might consider biting your tongue around the clueless blabbermouths who don’t have bad intentions but who repeat everything they hear, McAndrew says. Also avoid the known busybodies who hold onto information to backstab or to tear others down. Unfortunately, you might not know if any of your neighbors possess these habits until you observe them in the act, whether spilling someone else’s secrets or your own, so it’s a good idea to err on the side of caution.

But the consequence of gossip isn’t always negative. Your goal might be for the gossip to get back to a neighbor so they change their behavior, or to warn another community member about someone who behaves badly. Similarly, if a couple of neighbors in an apartment building gossip over a shared cockroach problem that’s gone unaddressed, they can coordinate with other tenants to spur the landlord into action.

Know when to call it quits

A skilled gossiper knows when to disengage. The signs that someone may not want to gossip with you could be fairly obvious: After the initial “Did you notice…” they aren’t active in the conversation or they try to change the subject. “Sometimes if you feel the tension or everything becomes uncomfortable, the safest option is to change the topic or explain why you are making that remark,” Giardini, the sociology professor, says. “You are trying to provide reasons that you think it’s relevant.” In other words, you’re managing your reputation. Again, if you’re veering into judgmental territory, best to pump the brakes.

If you’re on the receiving end, think twice before feeding into gossip that seems to be turning people against another person. Instead, you can say, “Oh I have no idea what’s going on with them!” in a breezy tone before changing the subject. Simply take the information for what it is: something that could potentially be useful, but that you don’t need to perpetuate. The next time you hear loud music, you can tell the person next door that it’s the DJ who lives nearby — thanks to the intel from another neighbor — but you don’t need to tell everyone else that he’s recently divorced and in a custody battle, too.

Of course, there will inevitably be moments when you say the wrong thing at the wrong time to the wrong person and the gossip turns sour. If someone betrayed your confidence and disclosed what you said to the subject of your chatter, you’ve now learned the hard way they probably can’t be trusted.

Or maybe you inadvertently started a rumor about someone and they’re confronting you about it. Apologizing is your only option, according to McAndrew. Because unlike other relationships where you can avoid someone forever after hurting their feelings, you can’t skirt your neighbors unless one of you moves — which is what Gaby Lieberman and Elvin, who she ended up marrying, did.

After their neighbor told Pavlenko that he thought he saw Lieberman cheating, Pavlenko told the neighbor the comment made her uncomfortable. Now, the couple lives in a cul-de-sac in Sandy Hook, New Jersey, and the only gossip they do with their neighbors centers on the former owner of their home.

“They tell me a lot of stories about this community and the guy that lived in my house,” Lieberman says. “But they’re not gossiping about other neighbors.”