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Welcome to Declassified, a weekly humor column.
If any top Netflix execs are reading this, I have a pitch for a comedy-drama …
Two elderly men — I’m thinking of calling them Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin — living together as retirees in the Florida sunshine, trying to bring down their sworn enemy … the British royal family. We could call it Killing Kate!
Actually, maybe it’s more of a documentary, based on Putin and Trump’s actions this week.
Trump, in an interview with Nigel Farage that is best viewed while wearing a full-body condom, warned that Prince Harry could be deported from the United States if he lied about taking drugs on his American visa application.
The prince — who lives in California, because where better to go if you’ve had enough of egomanaics and an invasive press? — admitted in his memoir Spare to having used cocaine, marijuana and magic mushrooms.
“We’ll have to see if they know something about the drugs, and if he lied they’ll have to take appropriate action,” Trump said. That prompted Farage to say: “Which might mean … not staying in America” before excitedly licking Trump’s face (probably).
Trump, of course, doesn’t take drugs. Although he was a fan of ivermectin, a drug primarily used to deworm animals, to fight Covid, in the face of medical opinion.
At another point in Farage’s interview, Trump offered his backing to Kate “blink twice if you need us to call the cops” Middleton in the wake of her photo-doctoring scandal.
“It shouldn’t be a big deal. Because everybody doctors [pictures],” said Trump, who is living proof that not everyone has doctored a pictured (unless he looks even worse than that in real life!).
But what about the other half of the odd couple in this prospective Netflix show, I hear you ask?
Well, news broke in Russian media this week that King Charles III was dead. He isn’t. But is any story really a story if there isn’t a Kremlin disinformation angle?
The Russian death notice made its way around social media and was picked up in Ukraine and Tajikistan, forcing the British government and its Moscow and Kyiv embassies to declare that the monarch is, in fact, alive.
That’s basically the first two episodes of Killing Kate written. Episode No. 3, in which Trump and Putin invite Prince Andrew over for a barbecue and cocktails, might be more legally problematic.
CAPTION COMPETITION
“I think it’s a great idea to make Thierry Breton the Commissioner for the Arctic Circle.”
Can you do better? Email pdallison@politico.eu or on Twitter/X @pdallisonesque
Last time we gave you this photo:
Thanks for all the entries. Here’s the best from our postbag — there’s no prize except for the gift of laughter, which I think we can all agree is far more valuable than cash or booze.
“Please don’t tell Ursula about our bromance!” by Andre Duijsters.
Paul Dallison is POLITICO‘s deputy EU editor.
