Today’s amateurish Muppet Show of a review is a grotesque mashup of two totally unrelated takeaways, the blame for which I will only be accepting 45 per cent, although I’m prepared to be haggled up to two thirds.
At the behest of the BP editors, my intention was to review King’s Castle at their new diner/takeaway on Church Street in Preston’s City Centre, and as I was familiar with both Preston, King’s Castle and chicken, I wasn’t in too much of a stress about it. I should have been because, as the poet Robbie Burns once wrote: “The best laid plans of mice and men gang aft agley” – which is Scottish for “now watch everything go tits up again, Karen.”
King’s Castle and I have had a bumpy relationship. I reviewed it during lockdown and my experience was pretty grim, tried it again under duress and it was fab, then ordered from there multiple times afterwards and it continued to be very good, so I was looking forward to revisiting it.
Review: Lostock Hall takeaway not quite King of the Castle
The fillet on fire chicken burger was my favourite item on their menu because the heat is almost too much but you keep going, like a horror film that you see through to the end, though possibly not if you’re the chicken.
I have avoided driving in the city centre as much as possible since the irritating One Way Reshuffles and Bus Lanes moved into the area and brought their weird mate “Shared Spaces” with them. Sensing my anxiety, my sat nav took the opportunity to tell me how to get to Stressame Street by shouting out which road I need to take a millisecond after I’ve driven past it, so by the time I entered King’s Castle my nerves were already Fraggled.
It was all shiny neon pink inside, and the diner style decor was topped off with half of a pink American 50s car, which was hopefully a lavish interior design splurge and not the work of another rogue sat nav. Younger people would most likely love the look of the place because it’s exciting, bright and vibrant, but it’s not anywhere I’d want to be with a migraine.
The restaurant was completely empty of customers, so I was able to order straight away at the counter. I’d looked at the menu before I set off and had already decided on a Royal Munchbox – one original burger, fully loaded fries, stir fry noodles, four mac n cheese bites, four peri wings and two drinks – for £22.99. However, I couldn’t find it anywhere on the menu board. When I enquired, the young man behind the counter told me that they do them but it’s just not displayed on the menu. Not sure why. He seemed slightly unsure about what was supposed to be in it.
I paid and was given some kind of pager that would alert me when my food was ready, which again might be something my children would have loved but I was still mistrustful of technology after the stunt that my sat nav had just pulled. It also seemed a tad unnecessary at that moment as I was still the only customer and was sitting about three feet away from the counter. It reminded me of when my children would sit next to each other on the sofa and argue via text whilst I remained blissfully unaware of the disturbingly impressive knowledge they had of psychological warfare.
Unfortunately, the emptiness of the restaurant meant that I couldn’t help but hear everything that was going on in the kitchen, and the more I heard, the less I wanted to eat what came out of it. It was off-putting enough for me to cancel my order and request a refund, which the manager gave to me with an apology after I explained why I didn’t want the food, and an assurance that he would speak to the staff and it wouldn’t happen again.
My window of opportunity to do a review was closing rapidly, so when I got back home I panic-ordered a delivery from the first place I found that my daughter GZ and I could agree on. That turned out to be Fresh n Fast, a Jamaican and Mexican halal takeaway that I’ve just realised is also on Church Street, about 30 feet from King’s Castle.
GZ went for boneless Caribbean chicken with half Jamaican rice and half red skin chips for £10.80. It smelled wonderful.
The photo can’t lie; it wasn’t a pretty sight when we opened the box, although that was unavoidable due to what we’d ordered. The food (delivered by Uber) had been in the polystyrene containers long enough for the meal to have lost most of its warmth and for the steam to have made everything that should be crispy to wilt and go floppy. That was a shame because the chicken was nicely cooked in a vibrant, tangy sauce, and the decent portions of sides were equally authentic.
I had a burrito so crammed with Portuguese chicken, grated cheese, Jamaican rice, Mexican beans, guacamole, tzatziki, salsa salad and special sauce for £8 that it was impossible for it to be anything other than a slightly floppy piñata of flavours.
A mountainous portion of masala fries – red skin chips marinated in a Mex Sizzler sauce and salad garnish – cost £6.50. They were the worst for wear due to their steamy polystyrene environment, which made the item less like fries and more like a dry-ish, mild potato curry. As they had already lost their crispness entirely I warmed them in the microwave and they were still delicious despite the sogg.
My favourite item was a regular sized portion of sweet potato fries for £4.50. I’d opted for red salt and mango chilli sauce at no extra charge and it was an epic combination of sweet and salty, with the fruity sauce seeming to also have an unexpected touch of mint which doesn’t sound like a nice mix, but there you go. I hope it wasn’t a mistake because I’m ordering it again.
Our last minute decision to order from Fresh n Fast turned out to be a good one. The portions, flavours and overall quality of the food we received were excellent, although let down by the lack of warmth and the resulting sogginess.
Fresh n Fast has a menu extensive enough to cater for most tastes and I’ll be ordering from there again, but next time I’ll preheat my oven and stick everything in there for ten minutes when it arrives because I’m confident that it will be good enough to deserve the extra wait.
Can you tell me how to get to What An Absolute Messamee Street? No need, I’m already there.
Read more: All of Karen’s reviews
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